Hospital Experience #20: Gifts from the Hospital

This is the twentieth and final (for the time being) in a series of posts on a recent experience at Ochsner Hospital - having a cardiac catheter ablation procedure to correct a heart arrhythmia. These posts describe and reflect on various aspects of the hospital experience. This twentieth post will reflect on the gifts I have received from the entire experience. Rather than go into close detail with every gift I received, I will look at five broad and rich areas.

COMPASSION. Living through and writing about this hospital experience has helped me grow in compassion. I was easily able to have compassion for myself and for my doctor and medical team as we all struggled through my panic in the procedure room. I was able to reach the beginnings of compassion for Nurse Dreadful by writing about our encounter from her perspective. I even found that I was able to take an infant step in compassion for people who hurt or kill others in rage, by writing about the similarities between rage and panic and using my panic to help me stand in the shoes of someone in a rage.

Here is what I intend:

• To use writing to build compassion for myself and others
• To follow through with compassion in my thoughts, words, and actions

AUTHENTICITY. Living through and writing about this hospital experience has shown me the importance of being authentic with myself and with others: taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, needs, and desires, and being honest about them with myself and with others as appropriate. My writing has also shown me concrete ways to do this, particularly in working through my panic in the procedure room, my encounter with Nurse Dreadful, and my own responsibility for the behaviors that have led to my weight gain and high blood pressure. Through writing, I have experienced the relief and joy of simply telling the truth as well as of seeing how to recognize and express my needs and desires in a straightforward and respectful way.

Here is what I intend:

• To use writing to build authenticity
• To follow through with authenticity in my thoughts, words and actions

JOY IN FRIENDS. Living through and writing about this hospital experience has given me a far deeper appreciation of, love for, and joy in my friends. I examined the ins and outs of every large and small instance of support and found that each gift of support meant a great deal to me: phone calls, emails, prayers, thoughts, information, visits, offers of assistance, rendering of assistance, vigil keeping, readiness for an unlikely but potential emergency.

Friends, family members, church members, and acquaintances came through for me in all those ways. I deeply appreciate each one. Every expression of support meant so much.

Here is what I intend:

• To let my friends know how much I appreciate them
• To reach out to my friends and acquaintances with support in times of their sorrows and joys, now that I have so recently experienced how much this means
• To become more connected and involved at church, which I am motivated to do because the church was there for me

JOY IN LIFE. Living through and writing about this hospital experience has increased my appreciation of, love for, and joy in life. I have glimpsed the possibility of turning away from a stance of "Life is not worth it: it is not worth the overwhelming pain one must endure to get to the snippets of joy" to a stance of "Life IS worth it: although life will be both painful and joyful, life will ultimately absorb pain into joy." By freezing up inside, resisting the pain, and growing bitter about hurts from my past, I have allowed the pain to absorb any joy in life. Writing about my hospital experience has revealed a new approach of opening up inside, accepting the pain, working through it in writing, and experiencing the joy of growth and insight - a joy that absorbs the pain.

Here is what I intend:

• To work toward and reach a point where I can say that my life has been worth it, that joy absorbs the pain of the emotional abuse I suffered during childhood and adolescence with a rageful father, an alcoholic mother, and a Catholic Church that terrified me with a wrathful God and the fires of hell. It occurs to me that I can accept that joy in potential now, even though I may not yet feel it.
• To find ways to enjoy life - daily

JOY IN WRITING. Living through and writing about this hospital experience has increased my appreciation of, love for, and joy in writing - for all the above reasons and more. Writing is a natural way of expression and growth for me. It is a large part of my life purpose - that is why it gives me such joy.

Here is what I intend:

• To keep on writing, to keep on blogging