Soul Work - Deeper Moons Focused on Others

In a previous post, I identified deeper Moons focused on God, others, and self. By Moons, I mean things that I deeply want to bring into my life and live into. This post will explore deeper Moons - Moons that involve important soul work - focused on others. Just as with the Moons focused on God, there will be an overlap. Some of the goals focused on others wind up also focusing on self.

The Moons focusing on others are GIVE, LOVE, and SERVE. Each involves a deeply ingrained attitude toward life, an attitude that I imbibed in the family where I grew up, along with needed family soul healing. Here they are:

• GIVE: Heal a scarcity mentality, leading to hoarding, by developing an abundance mentality, leading to generosity
• LOVE: Heal a judgmental attitude by developing compassion
• SERVE: Heal an avoidance of service by serving in appropriate ways

GIVE

I grew up with a scarcity mentality. I learned to hoard rather than to give. If I gave something, that meant more for someone else and less for me. Also, if I gave something, I might want or need it later, and then I wouldn't have it because I had given it away. In fact, the word "away" describes my feelings about giving. When I gave something, I gave it away, meaning that whatever I gave was henceforth away from me, no longer with me.

In addition, my parents didn't like to share things. They preferred to have things for their own exclusive use. When things are shared, other people don't take care of things, whereas when you have your own items, you can be assured that they will be well maintained because you are the one in charge of maintaining your own possessions. In other words, if you want your things taken care of properly, have your own things, don't share them, and take care of them yourself.

In spite of this, my parents were generous with close friends and family members. For example, my father gave financial help to his first cousin Helen in the later years of her life, and he helped his first cousin Ed considerably when Ed's professional office burned down. (Because my father was an only child, he was very close to his first cousins.) My father and mother cared for my paternal grandmother at home in her last illness and made sure that she died at home in her own bed as she wished. My father was also a generous alumnus of his university, giving both time and money, because the university had given him a scholarship that had allowed him to be a first-generation university graduate, obtain a professional degree, and move out of the working class into a more lucrative and satisfying profession.

My father, though, did not like to accept favors. He seemed to operate within a system where he and his acquaintances traded favors. If someone did you a favor, you owed him a favor - and this was not so good because you never knew when that person might decide to cash in his favor. He might ask you to do something inconvenient at an inconvenient time - and you would be obliged to do it because you "owed him a favor." Favors couldn't be entirely avoided, but one did want to owe as few favors as possible.

As for me, I am not a naturally generous person. Giving, for me, involves conflicting fears. Giving money (beyond a "safe" amount that I won't miss) involves my fear of losing all my money or of wanting or needing that money later and not having it. Lending my belongings involves my fear that I won't get them back and that I might need them. Giving time involves my fear of losing the time I want and need for my own solitary pursuits, which is the way an introvert replenishes her energy. Giving space, such as having a house guest or sharing an office, involves my fear of not having the time I need to myself and not being able to concentrate on my projects because of the presence of someone else. In all these instances, I fear that I won't have what I need when I need it, so I tend to guard my money, my belongings, my space, and my time.

On the other hand - and here's the conflict - I fear being selfish and I fear the disapproval of others for my selfishness. In other words, I "should" be generous but I don't want to be - yet I also don't want to be seen as ungenerous. So what do I do? Do I give with secret resentment - so as to appear generous? Do I withhold giving, feeling guilty within myself, making excuses, trying to hide from others the fact that I'm not giving - so as to preserve my money, belongings, space, time?

I guess another way to put this conflict is like this: I feel that I am supposed to want to give, but in fact I don't want to. What I want - to keep my money, my belongings, my space, my time for myself - conflicts with what I believe to be society's (and God's) expectations of me. Society's (and God's) expectations define what a good person is: I should be generous because a good person is generous. The fact that I don't want to give means that I am bad, that my desires are warped, that I have a shameful innate defect at my core. I need to keep this shameful core defect (of which my lack of generosity is a proof) hidden from others.

Goodness! It seems that a reasonable solution here is to quit the pretense: to simply decide what I will and will not give and to let myself be comfortable with it. Besides, it's not really the case that I never want to give. There are quite a few situations in which I feel delighted to give - to give money, belongings, space, or time. The times when I don't want to give need to be okay, or at least not horribly shameful. It is also okay to admit that I am still growing in my capacity to be generous.

There are times when I don't want to give, and I really do feel okay about it. At those times, I find that I can say no in a polite but clear way.

There are times when my soul wants to give but my superficial grasping self does not. I have started to be able to recognize these times and to go with my soul. In fact, I think that there is a very important truth here. God is generous. The universe is generous. Generosity is part of the bedrock of Reality, as are compassion, beauty, and joy. Perhaps that is why I feel that I "should" be generous and that lack of generosity is somehow off-balance - it is because generosity aligns us with God. (Another reason is that society wants us to be generous so as to support its causes, and society is not above using guilt to get contributions. The same can be said of churches and universities and non-profit organizations.) Back to God, though - it is true, I believe, that growing in generosity draws us closer to God, to Reality, to the heart of the universe. So, built into my very nature, is the sense that it is good to be generous. There is nothing shameful, though, in admitting honestly that generosity is an area of growth for me and that, at this point in my growth, I feel able to stretch myself this far in giving but not beyond. In other words, I can say, "In response to your request for x, I am not able to give that full amount, but I will give y."

There are times when I have given away too much in order to appear generous. The best example of this happened when I was five years old. I had a wonderful friend in the form of a stuffed animal - a bear/rabbit (he was really a rabbit but I thought of him as a bear) named Blue Ribbon. I had heard about a collection of toys for needy children, and in a misbegotten fit of super-generosity, I gave Ribbon to this cause. This allowed me to feel good and generous, but these feelings did not last. It wasn't long before I realized how much I had given away - I had given away my dear friend, my play companion. I missed Ribbon terribly, but there was no way to get Ribbon back. I know that I gave Ribbon away just to have the good feeling of being generous. This was wrong - I could see immediately that I had given away too much and for a very wrong reason. There are things that should not be given away.

There is also such a thing as irresponsible giving. Giving away so much that one limits one's ability to care for oneself and for those who are one's responsibility. Giving without regard to our created reality, where society is not likely to treat us kindly if we do run out of money. Deciding that God will take care of me if I give away absolutely everything.

Unfortunately, irresponsible giving has been encouraged for women by the Catholic Church and also by society at large, particularly within marriage. Mary Catherine Bateson, in Composing a Life, puts it like this: Women are taught to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the marriage; men are taught that the marriage exists to support them. Women have been taught that their fulfillment as women is to be found in giving themselves sacrificially to serve their husband's and children's needs. This has caused women to sacrifice themselves constantly for their family, all the while castigating themselves for not feeling fulfilled as a real woman should. Since they aren't exercising self-care but only giving and giving and giving, they feel depleted.

I will move now to what Erich Fromm says about giving in The Art of Loving. Erich Fromm distinguishes three types of givers. One type of giver sees giving as depletion: Whenever I give, I deplete my own store; to give means to have less. Another type of giver sees giving as marketing: Whenever I give, I aim to get something of like value in return. A third type of giver sees giving as an indication of abundance: I give because my life is abundant; giving shows that my life is rich and full. It is not necessary to be wealthy to be this third type of giver; some givers of this type are actually poor in society's eyes.

There are times when I have wanted to give, when I have given, and when I have indeed felt abundant and rich.

So - what is my Giving Moon? Initially, I said that I desire to heal a scarcity mentality that leads to hoarding by developing an abundance mentality that leads to generosity. What does it look like to give generously? Giving generously comes from love. Hoarding comes from fear as does giving super-generously or irresponsibly.

Perhaps, at rock bottom, the Moons are about moving from Fear into Love. Love encompasses myself and others - otherwise, it is not love but something else, something out of balance. To favor myself at the expense of others is out of balance and involves fear of not having enough for me. To favor others at the expense of myself is also out of balance and involves fear of being judged selfish. A question to grapple with is one of balance: how much to spend on my own pleasure in a world with severe needs and how much to give while still exercising responsible self-care. The answer is not out there - the answer is within. So this also involves ceasing to look outside myself for the answer but seeking my own God-wisdom within. This doesn't preclude asking friends for help with these questions; friends can help to spot areas of imbalance in my thinking.

Here are some Moons about Giving that come to mind:

• To reach and maintain a proper weight, a well-toned and agile body, and a high energy level through healthy habits of eating and exercise. (This is a Giving Moon because self-care enables one to give effectively.)
• To grow into a person who gives from the desire to share joyfully the abundance of a rich and full life.
• To look to my God-wisdom within to know where, when, and how much to give.
  

LOVE

I have posted quite a bit about this lately, for example, in my Hospital Experience posts of June 2010. I will simply state my Moon.

• To grow in compassion for myself and others.

Growing in compassion does not mean eliminating consequences for wrong behavior or acting irresponsibly from a misguided sense of love. For example, a dangerous convicted murderer does need to be kept firmly behind bars. Compassion can help us to understand how, given his circumstances, he did what he did, and compassion will lead us to treat him humanely - but compassion will not let him back out on the streets where he will pose a danger to others.

SERVE

Service, of course, relates to giving - particularly in action. Service is not giving money or belongings or even space - but giving time and effort and action. Giving, though, implies something above and beyond what is called for - while service is part of what one does because one is part of a community.

At a university, faculty members do well to serve their department, the university, their profession, and the wider community. For example, a history professor might serve on the committee to hire a new faculty member (reading numerous resumes, interviewing applicants by telephone, coordinating campus visits for the top candidates), might serve on the faculty senate of the university, might edit a professional journal, and might give a series of presentations at the public library on a local topic of historical interest.

There are ways to serve one's neighborhood, one's city or town, one's nation, and our world. Military service, for example, used to be the norm for all young men. If one is a member of a faith community, it is well to serve the faith community in some way. In a church, one might serve by teaching a Sunday school class, preparing the altar for the Eucharist, greeting people on Sunday morning, setting up and taking down for a church event, acting as a host for church meals. If one is a member of a club, it is well to serve the club in some way.

In other words, one serves because one is part of a community and because one's service is needed for the community to function smoothly.

There have been communities and time periods when I have done quite a bit of service and enjoyed it. This was the case in the 1990s - for my local professional organization, for example, and for the church I belonged to at the time. Also, between 2006 and 2009, I did a certain amount of service for my university department and some professional service for the wider community.

Yet it is also true that I sometimes tend to guard my free time closely and to avoid certain types of service. In these situations, I let others carry the responsibility for the smooth functioning of the community. I benefit without contributing - or without contributing very much.

For some years now, I have faced a struggle with areas of service that I feel are important, that I feel I should be involved in, and yet that I do avoid. I avoid them because they have the potential to be inconvenient and to interfere with my free time and with plans I've made. My choice has been to avoid these areas of service, to feel guilty about this avoidance, and to try to keep others unaware of my avoidance. The other choice, it seems to me, is to engage in these areas of service and to feel constantly anxious about when I might be called on inconveniently in ways that interrupt my free time and my plans. So I can feel guilty but have my freedom, or I can feel anxious but have the approval of others. I've decided to go with guilty but free. There must be another way of approaching this, but I don't see it.

Sometimes it may be that we need to do something because it is right, not because we enjoy it. And yet I think that there is a certain amount of enjoyment simply in the feeling of rightness about what we're doing, even if the action itself isn't very enjoyable. In other words, the motivation or the reason for the action - the greater purpose - provides some enjoyment.

Doing something so as not to be judged selfish is simply not a motivation that will provide any enjoyment at all. Unfortunately, that would be my motivation for certain kinds of service that I currently avoid. I would like to get to the point where the rightness of this service would provide my motivation and at least some degree of enjoyment (the point where I may not enjoy the action but I would at least enjoy the action's rightness), but I am not there and I don't see how to get there. I am more at the point of dreading the loss of freedom that this particular service could entail, of dreading not having control over when I might be called upon, of dreading the possibility of having to cancel eagerly anticipated plans. The dread is strong enough for me to avoid the service, even though I feel guilty about avoiding it.

This is as far as I can get with this situation right now. So here is how I will state my Service Moons.

• To serve in ways that give me joy, whether the joy comes from the action itself or from the rightness of the action.
• To resolve my stalemate about the areas where I currently feel that I should be serving but am not by accepting my non-service without guilt or by serving with joy.

Driving the Ring Road in Iceland - Should I Go For This Moon?

In a recent post, I listed as a possible Moon to drive the Ring Road in Iceland. By Moon, I mean something that I deeply desire to bring into my life. In recent posts, I have also written of fears that keep me from driving the Iceland Ring Road, and I have stated that, in light of the current economic crisis, I plan to focus on Moons that do not involve a large expense, as a trip to Iceland would.

Quite recently, however, driving the Ring Road in Iceland has suddenly become much more accessible because a friend has come forward who would like to do this with me. Driving the Ring Road alone is too daunting for me, but driving it with a friend is much more doable. In fact, upon hearing that a friend would like to do this with me, I immediately became excited about the Ring Road and opened myself to the possibility of actually doing it.

Which tells me that my statement about avoiding large Moon expenses in light of the current economic crisis is simply a way for me to avoid facing my fears. I guess it sounds better to say, "I won't spend money on a trip to Iceland in light of the current economic crisis," than to say, "I won't spend money on a trip to Iceland because such a trip brings up some deep-seated fears and I don't want to face them." As soon as my friend indicated a desire to share the Ring Road trip with me, I was more than willing to let go of any hesitations based on the economic crisis, since having a companion would mitigate many of my fears - and it's really the fears that are stopping me.

These fears are present, even when I think of driving the Iceland Ring Road with a good friend. I'll list these fears again, along with precisely how they are activated by the thought of driving the Iceland Ring Road. The complete Moon actually involves driving the Iceland Ring Road, writing about it, and publishing that writing in some way.

• Fear of being exposed as shamefully incompetent. What if, at the last minute, I completely panic and simply cannot get on the plane? What if I write about the Iceland Ring Road adventure and my writing is shamefully incompetent?

• Fear of others' disapproval for promoting myself and showing off. What if I write about the Iceland Ring Road adventure and others scorn my writing as immature and show-offish?

• Fear of being selfish. How can I travel to Iceland when so many people are in financial need? If I have the money to spend on such a trip, why don't I donate the money to those in need?

• Fear of the anxiety and discomfort of change. How will I ever handle the anxiety I know I'll feel as the trip approaches? How will I ever handle my anxiety on the airplane? How will I enjoy being in Iceland when I know that I have to face the airplane again to get home? What if we have car trouble in Iceland? What if health concerns arise? How will I manage my C-PAP machine for sleep apnea? Will I still need to be taking my blood pressure medications? What if I have one of those rashes that bother me sometimes? Will I be able to eat enough fresh fruits and vegetables?

• Fear of being injured, especially in a painful or incapacitating way. What if the plane crashes and I survive with horrible injuries, such as complete paralysis or severe burns over large areas of the body? What about the horrid terror I would surely feel if the plane seemed about to crash?

• Fear of losing all my money. What if I spend the money on this trip and then lose my job or have a large financial need?

• Fear of losing my solitude, whereby - as an introvert - I replenish my energy. The Iceland trip does not activate this fear.

• Fear of losing control of my free time and plans by being called upon unexpectedly. The Iceland trip does not activate this fear. However, there is at least one area of service that I feel I should enter into and that could potentially interfere with the Iceland trip because this area of service could involve being called upon unexpectedly, for example, just when I had planned to go to Iceland. This is a conflict for me: to do this service that I feel I should do and risk being called upon when I have travel plans, or not to do this service and know that I am shirking an important responsibility for which others will be carrying the load.

Besides fears, I have also listed characteristics of the kind of Moon I can embrace. Here are these characteristics again, along with the ways the Iceland Ring Road would fit them.

• The Moon fills me with joy. When I think about driving the Iceland Ring Road with a friend, I feel my heart leap with joy. It's exciting! I feel a quickening of my energy. I feel motivated to read about Iceland - indeed, I've already started doing this. I've begun re-reading the 2008 Insight Guide to Iceland to familiarize myself with the different areas of Iceland and to consider what there is to see and do. I feel excited about being in a country with the extreme geographical position of proximity to the Arctic Circle and the resulting extreme of constant daylight in late spring and summer. The extreme of midnight sunlight attracts me.

• The Moon promotes health and healing for my soul.
  

1. Physical health. I feel motivated to get into excellent physical health and fitness for this adventure.
2. Creativity. I feel motivated to write about this adventure and possibly to draw about it. I would love to create a small book about this adventure. This creative project energizes me.
3. Balance. Having this adventure to anticipate helps to put the rest of my life into perspective. My life somehow seems lighter. Specifically, my teaching, which can at times seem heavy to me, feels lighter and more enjoyable simply by bringing this adventure into my life.
4. Openness. I can feel a tendency within myself to narrow my life as I grow older. To give up the effort of traveling. To give up the effort of going out at night. To take on fewer challenges. To shut down. To let my world become smaller. The Iceland adventure counters that. It opens up my world. It opens me to life. It makes my life more expansive, grander.
5. Self-acceptance. The Iceland adventure is a way of accepting myself at a deeper level. Of acknowledging and working through fears. Of loving myself enough to put myself into a challenging situation while being gentle with myself. Of loving myself enough to push myself in the direction of joy. Of loving myself enough to see that I do not narrow my world but that I expand it.
6. Family soul healing. My mother allowed fear to narrow her world and her life. She allowed my father to dampen her joy. She let him limit her creative potential. And yet she taught nursery school creatively, used sign language as well as spoken English with the children, obtained a masters degree in early childhood education in her sixties, conducted and published research, wrote publishable children's stories, designed and taught a land and water exercise program, began a book of exercises, sewed and crocheted and knitted. She engaged in creative projects and yet limited herself because of fear. To travel to Iceland with a friend, to drive the Ring Road, to write about the adventure, to publish my writing in some way - this would be to carry my mother's soul work further.
7. Friendship. To drive the Iceland Ring Road with my friend would be an enjoyable way to strengthen our friendship.

• The Moon connects me with God.

1. Earlier in my life, I would have said no, the Iceland adventure would not connect me with God. I imagined a judgmental God, a disapproving all-powerful and all-knowing Person, who would never approve of spending so much money to enjoy myself in a world where people cannot afford food and shelter.
2. Actually, this is still somewhat of a conflict for me. I don't really know where the balance is here. I do not think that it is right to skip blithely through life pleasing myself with costly adventures with no regard for the very real suffering of the world's poor. How do I live responsibly in a world where I have and where so many others have not, and also treat myself to an occasional adventure that does cost considerable money? In any case, if I see God as Being itself, rather than as a supreme being, then I can ask myself how I want to participate in Being, for the power and potential of Being is available to me.
3. This gives me a new idea. I've been seeing the question as either/or: Do I use all the power and potential of Being to address my niche of the world's needs, or do I use all the power and potential of Being to expand my world with joyful adventures and resultant creative projects? Well, how about this: How might I use all the power and potential of Being to expand my world with joyful adventures and resultant creative projects while also acting as a responsible citizen of a needy world?
4. I feel a rightness about this question. The either/or question pulls me apart, discourages me, closes me up, gives me a shackled feeling. The both/and question expands me, energizes me, feels freeing, fills me with joy. God is a God of joy, beauty, and creativity, and God is a God of compassion and justice. Joy/beauty/creativity is not incompatible with compassion/justice. In fact, either one without the other is unbalanced! Pursuit of joy, beauty, and creativity with no regard for the world's needs is out of balance. But so is pursuit of compassion and justice with no regard for joy, beauty, and creativity - this wears people out.
5. How might I bring the full power and potential of Being into shaping a life of joy, beauty, creativity, compassion, and justice? In dealing directly with this question, the Iceland adventure most certainly connects me with God.

• The Moon in some way encourages others. This is an adventure that involves moving toward joy, managing deep-seated fear, working through large questions about how to encompass both responsibility and freedom, shaping a creative project with life material, using writing to understand myself and thereby to grow. Sharing this adventure through honest conversation and honest writing encourages others in all those areas.
  

AND YET. When I think about not doing the Iceland adventure, I feel relieved - deeply relieved. I feel a different kind of gladness, a gladness that says, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't have to do this. I needn't be bothered with this challenge and all the effort it entails. I can relax and do other things that are less challenging. Remaining nearer the status quo is so much more restful."

And it's important to remember this truth: It's okay not to go to Iceland. It's fine to decide that the Iceland adventure is too challenging and to turn my attention to other things that are also worthwhile.

It's interesting to note, though, the joy and excitement and leap of the heart I feel at the thought of driving the Iceland Ring Road with my friend as well as the deep sense of relief I feel at the thought of not doing it. I believe that this is related to my previous post, titled "To Avoid Pain or To Embrace Joy," where I describe how I've lived much of my life utterly focused on avoiding pain. Fear is painful and I'm afraid of flying, so I'll avoid airplanes for the rest of my life. Fear is painful and I'm afraid of elevators, so I'll avoid elevators for the rest of my life. Performance anxiety is painful and I feel performance anxiety when I play the organ in church, so I'll avoid playing the organ in church for the rest of my life. Having a family can entail considerable pain, so I'll remain single and childless for the rest of my life.

These decisions will not bring me joy, but at least they will eliminate a good deal of pain. I can relax and be pain-free, even though joyless. The trouble is, I can't really relax because one is never assured of being pain-free. I can manage to avoid airplanes and elevators and performance situations and family responsibilities, but since my eyes focus on potential pain - my car goes where my eyes go. My life becomes an anxious effort to spot potential pain and avoid it. If I were to focus my eyes on joy - my car would go where my eyes go. My life would embrace joy, and I would manage to handle whatever pain should arise. If I focus on avoiding pain, I will see my life as pain-filled. If I focus on embracing joy, I will see my life as joy-filled.

I remind myself that these two things are true: (1) I absolutely do not have to go to Iceland, for I can live a joy-embracing life whether or not I go to Iceland. The question is not whether or not to go to Iceland but whether to live a pain-avoiding life or a joy-embracing life. (2) In deciding whether or not to go to Iceland, I would do well to consider how much my decision is motivated by avoiding pain and how much by embracing joy, for the way one makes any particular decision is the way one makes all one's decisions.

And something I notice about the way I made my decisions to avoid airplanes, elevators, performance situations, and family responsibilities is that I made those decisions strictly on my own. I did not discuss those decisions with helpful others. I might do well to enlist the help of others - others who listen deeply and hear me into speech. (Hearing someone into speech is a concept that Nelle Morton discusses in The Journey Is Home. It is a way of deep and silent listening that allows the listened-to person the space and time - the container, as it were - into which to speak her deepest thoughts and feelings, and thus to hear herself.) I am blessed with friends who can do this.

It may be worth noting, too, that I tend to feel the joy of the Iceland adventure in the morning, when I am rested, when I am relaxed, when I am feeling generally good. I tend to feel the relief of the idea of forgoing the Iceland adventure in the evening, when I am tired, when I am anxious about something, when I am feeling generally less than good.

Another thing I notice - and want to avoid - is the tendency to do the Iceland adventure with the attitude of getting it out of the way just to prove once that I can do it. I would then think, Thank goodness I've finished the Iceland adventure. I've shown that I can fly, and now I don't need to fly ever again. But, oh dear, what if people expect me to be able to fly from now on, since they've seen I can do it.

Finally, I need to keep the Iceland Moon doable and enjoyable, not overwhelming. I have a tendency to add so much to a Moon that it becomes tedious rather than joyful. Then, I start to feel that I am on a treadmill, but that I have to keep going and complete the Moon. In East Toward Dawn: A Woman's Solo Journey Around the World, Nan Watkins, who traveled around the world to celebrate her sixtieth birthday, describes meeting two young men who were making a similar journey around the world but who seemed far less excited about it than she was. Nan noticed that these young men were going through the experiences of their travels as they might go through a to-do list, checking off each sight seen, relieved by what was already accomplished, but overwhelmed by all that still lay ahead to see and do. They were approaching their journey around the world as they would a chore. This is what I want to avoid!

To Avoid Pain or To Embrace Joy

For most of my life, my goal has been to avoid pain. My childhood and adolescence were dominated by avoiding the wrath of my terrifyingly rageful father and worrying about how to avoid the wrath of a God whom I imagined to be even more terrifyingly rageful. I couldn't really envision joy - and I didn't care about it. If I could just avoid pain, that was enough for me.

I have sometimes imagined arriving in heaven, which is supposed to be gorgeous and blissful beyond anything we can imagine, and saying, "Yeah, this is nice, but it certainly isn't worth it. It's not worth the pain I went through on earth to get here. Being so terrified on earth was so painful that it wasn't worth it to go through that terror to get to heaven."

I have been puzzled as to why God would create humans, knowing how much people on earth would suffer and knowing that some people would even suffer for an eternity in hell. If God hadn't created humans, no one would suffer. Of course, no one would experience the joy of heaven, either - but if no one existed, then no one would miss it. A person who does not exist cannot be said to miss something. And it has seemed to me far more important to prevent pain than to provide joy. Having no one around to experience joy seems a small price to pay in order to prevent suffering. If no one existed, then no one would be in bliss, but no one would be in pain, either - and that has seemed good to me.

So eager have I been to prevent suffering, that I have never had a child. I even feel that this is the best thing I have done in my life. When I leave this earth, I will not leave behind anyone on earth who is there because of my efforts. I have given birth to no one. No one will suffer on earth because I inflicted life upon them. That is one thing I have been determined never to do - never to inflict life upon anyone. When I die, I leave no one behind. It is true that my children will not experience joy, but they will not miss the experience of joy because they don't exist. Someone who does not exist cannot be said to miss anything. And since my children don't exist, they will not experience pain, either.

This goal of avoiding pain can actually lead to an attitude of simply waiting to die. One can start to think: It won't be much longer before I can die and get out of here.

Now, what would it be like to abandon the goal of avoiding pain and to embrace joy, instead. Here is what I think it would look like.

• Turning my attention to the good, the gracious, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful.
• Savoring those things.
• Noticing what causes my heart to leap with joy.
• Bringing more of those things into my life.
• Expressing thanks.
• Relaxing into a gracious universe.
• Relating to God as Being itself.
• Spending time quietly centered on God within.
  
• Living generously.

Harsh Realities and a Gracious Universe

This is my second follow-up post to the post on my Moons having to do with God. By Moons, I mean things that one deeply desires and wants to bring into one's life. In my previous post, I looked at reasons why one might see the universe as hostile or indifferent to us and reasons why one might see the universe as gracious. I myself believe that the universe is gracious - in spite of having had a hostile worldview implanted in me as a child and in spite of difficulty, at times, in holding to a gracious worldview. One difficulty in holding to a gracious worldview is that of some very harsh realities. How do we hold to a gracious worldview when confronted with such realities as debilitating poverty, severe disability, and slavery? In this post, I will work with this question.

I believe that, although it is not easy, we can see the universe as gracious in spite of these harsh realities if we consider these areas:

• People do attain incredible Moons in spite of very harsh realities.
• Sometimes it is necessary to adjust one's Moon because of life circumstances.
• Sometimes it is necessary to trust in an eternal perspective.

People do attain incredible Moons in spite of very harsh realities.

People have come through deep hurt (concentration camps, severe childhood abuse, rape, torture, murder of loved ones, debilitating poverty), preserving a spirit of faith, love, and forgiveness. Some have gone on from these atrocities to become writers, artists, entrepreneurs, community organizers, teachers. People with severe disabilities have done the same.

I think of Joni Eareckson Tada, who became a quadriplegic after a diving accident at age seventeen (she is now in her sixties), and who has done work as a writer, an artist (drawing with a pencil held in her mouth), a singer, an actor, a community organizer, and a public speaker. She has also had a successful marriage. I think of Jean-Dominique Bauby who was completely paralyzed after a stroke, such that his only method of communication was a system of winks with his one good eye. He wrote a book in this manner - spelling out each word with winks. I think of Frank McCourt, who grew up in dire poverty in Ireland, and who went on to become a teacher and writer. I think of Maya Angelou, who grew up in the South of the United States under a system of severe racial discrimination and who became a writer and an actor.

I do not know how I would react to this type of harsh reality. I do know, though, that there are people who continue to go for the Moon despite tremendous odds. These people keep their eyes on the gracious elements of life - the beauties of nature, supportive friends, things they can do and enjoy.

Sometimes it is necessary to adjust one's Moon because of life circumstances.

Sometimes life circumstances are such that certain Moons are not possible. I think of Maya Angelou's grandmother, Mrs. Annie Henderson, who lived in a time and place where opportunities were severely limited for African Americans. Yet Mrs. Henderson managed to own and run her own general store, supporting herself and her family with her own independent business in the African American community. Mrs. Henderson may have been capable of a far grander entrepreneurial Moon had greater opportunity been available for her, but she went as far as the society of her time allowed her to go. She adjusted her Moon to what was possible for her and went as far as she could with the possibilities she had.

If one is an athlete and suffers an injury that leaves one disabled, one will need to adjust one's Moon. If one encounters serious financial set-backs, one will need to adjust one's Moon. If one is faced with caring for a severely ill family member, one will need to adjust one's Moon.

It is possible (though certainly not easy) to adjust one's Moon, to keep one's eyes on the graciousness of life, and to live in joy and thankfulness.

Sometimes it is necessary to trust in an eternal perspective.

Sometimes people encounter such horrendous life circumstances that we simply need to trust in an eternal perspective. Some people simply cannot, in this lifetime, even imagine aspiring to joy or to going for a Moon.

Sometimes life circumstances that one person may be able to handle can be too much for another person. I think of a story that Anne Lamott tells in one of her books. She speaks of a member of her church - a woman with a strong faith which had seen her through a life that included a good deal of hardship. As this woman entered her eighties, she started to go blind. Everyone in the church knew that this woman would face this new trial with the strong faith that was so characteristic of her - her faith would see her through. But this did not happen. The woman found blindness too much to bear. She grew depressed and withdrew from the church community, refusing to see anyone and finally dying in despair.

What happened with this woman? Why, after a lifetime of exercising her faith and seeing life as gracious in spite of difficult trials, was she unable to continue this attitude in the face of blindness? Of course, I cannot answer those questions. I can say, however, that when a church member can no longer sustain her faith, the church's faith will sustain her. The rest of us can have faith for a member whose faith seems to have deserted her. This is another evidence of life's graciousness. When life circumstances seem to have crushed an individual, others in the community can uphold that individual. Others can believe for that individual. Despite appearances, the faith of the community will see that individual through.

Slavery is an extremely dark area where Moons are impossible. A slave can have no goals, no plans, no will, certainly no Moons of his or her own. A slave can only carry out the will of his or her master.

This is brutal. The brutality of slavery is brought home by Ned Sublette in The World That Made New Orleans: From Spanish Silver to Congo Square. Ned speaks about the sexual relationships that white male masters forced upon their black female slaves. Ned says that we can't even use the word rape for this because there is no question of consent. On page 216, Ned says of a female slave, "The matter of her consent was irrelevant, because she could not refuse," then adds, "Because that's what slavery was."

Elizabeth Gilbert in Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, makes a similar point. On page 69, Elizabeth says this about slaves and marriage: "The argument against slaves' marrying, simply put, was this: It's impossible. Marriage in Western society is supposed to be a contract based on mutual consent, and a slave - by very definition - does not possess his own consent. His every move is controlled by his master and therefore he cannot willfully enter into any contract with another human being."

Whenever some humans create conditions that rob other humans of joy in life, I would say that we are dealing with deeply serious sin. This is true of slavery and of employment conditions that keep people in poverty and require long hours of grueling work. People born into situations like these grow up expecting no joy from life and seeing no possibility of reaching toward a Moon. Those who create such conditions incur and inflict tremendous soul wounds.

It is also true that, when a particular society is occupied with survival or when a society has fixed social roles, questions of joy and Moons become irrelevant. Working or fulfilling one's expected role in society takes precedence, though joy is not necessarily excluded from such a life. Joy is simply not sought and not expected.

In situations where joy doesn't seem possible, particularly where life is brutal, I can only trust in an eternal perspective. I absolutely do not mean that it's okay for people to have brutal lives on earth because they will have a chance to experience joy after this earthly life. It is never okay for life to be brutal, especially when this is due to brutal treatment of humans by other humans. I do mean that I believe that our lives are larger than this earthly life, that this life is not the end of the story, and that graciousness wins out in the end.

Why Would We See the World as Hostile, Indifferent, or Gracious?

Before I write about my Moons having to do with others or with self, I realize that I want to do several more posts on topics related to my Moons having to do with God. This is the first of these.

In my previous post, I looked at how I grew up with a view of the world as a hostile place and how I believe that a healthy soul views the world as a gracious place. According to Marcus Borg in The Heart of Christianity: Rediscovering a Life of Faith, one may have any of three worldviews:

• Hostile: One may see the universe as hostile to us. We can expect bad things to happen, and we must be constantly on the defensive.
• Indifferent: One may see the universe as indifferent to us. We still need to be on our guard because things happen without regard to their effect on us, for good or for ill.
• Gracious: One may see the universe as gracious to us. We can relax. At the heart of the universe is goodness, compassion, beauty, joy. This view needs to recognize areas of hostility (criminals do exist) and areas of indifference (hurricanes have no regard for humans), but the overall bent of the universe is gracious.

In this post, I will look at why we might see the universe as hostile or indifferent and why we might see the universe as gracious.

A HOSTILE OR INDIFFERENT WORLDVIEW

It is easy to see the universe, or at least our world, as hostile or indifferent. We see hostile forces: murder, stealing, rape, sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, slavery, grinding poverty, exploitation of workers by employers, pollution. We see indifferent forces: illness, serious accidents, losses that come with aging, natural disasters, adverse economic trends. It is easy to conclude that the universe is essentially hostile or indifferent.

I can see three elements in the formation of a hostile or indifferent worldview.

1. Our assumptions about reality shape our society.
2. God empowers us to shape our society as we will.
3. The shape of our society reinforces our assumptions about realtiy.

1. Our assumptions about reality shape our society.

Our society makes these assumptions:

• Competition creates a healthy economy.
• Nature is based on survival of the fittest.
• Society functions best when each person acts in his or her own self-interest.
• Individual freedom is sacred.
• The economy is an impersonal force.

We believe that these assumptions constitute ultimate reality, so we have created a society where our reality is, indeed, competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and impersonal economic forces. People act for their own benefit without regard for the effect on others. Those others are expected to take care of themselves. We have people who feel free to steal, whether through a crude armed robbery or a sophisticated money-laundering scheme. We have people who feel free to enrich themselves at the expense of others, as we saw in the Enron scandal and the more recent mortgage failures. We have people who feel free to hurt others to get what they want. If others get hurt, it is their own fault - they should be watching out for themselves. We speak of the economy doing this and the economy doing that, as though the economy is an indifferent force that operates on its own, whereas actual people are doing the things that the economy is said to do.

As stated in The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein - "Your car goes where your eyes go" (page 82). If your car starts to spin out of control on the race track and your eyes go to the wall, you can expect to crash right into that wall. But if your car starts to spin out of control and your eyes go to the track, you can expect to regain control of your car and get it back on the track. I believe that we can give this a wider application, individually and collectively. On the individual level, my life goes where my eyes go. On the collective level, our society goes where our eyes go - and our collective eyes go to competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and impersonal economic forces - our deep-seated assumptions about reality. This is, therefore, the kind of society we create.

2. God empowers us to shape our society as we will.

Through reading Karen Armstrong's The Case for God, I have been developing an understanding of God, not as a being but as Being itself. Humans are beings made in the image and likeness of God - which means that God shares Being with us. Being entails tremendous power and potential. And this is key - God does not direct or force us in using that power and potential. We can use that power and potential for good or for ill. What we are capable of is huge - we can literally create heaven or hell right here on Earth.

If we choose to create a society based on competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and economic forces treated as impersonal - we have all the power of Being to do so. God will not interfere. Indeed, this is what we have done, and God has not interfered.

I can see two reasons why God would not interfere. First, God's perspective is eternal. If, right now, an erroneous worldview is in the ascendant, God has eternity for balance to be restored. Second, it may be that restraining the power of Being for ill would also restrain the power of Being for good. When you provide a huge potential for good, the same huge potential exists in the other direction. It may not be possible to limit potential in one direction only. Any limiting is likely to limit the whole. This is why a person with a tremendous capacity to feel joy also has a tremendous capacity to feel pain. If you diminish the capacity to feel pain, you diminish the capacity to feel. If you limit the power and potential to create ill, you limit the power and potential to create.

3. The shape of our society reinforces our assumptions about reality.

So we shape our society according to our assumptions about reality, and the tremendous power and potential of Being given us by God allows us to do so. Once we have a society shaped by our assumptions, the very shape of our society then reinforces those very assumptions. We look at our world, and what do we see? Competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, impersonal economic forces - we see all these things run amok. We are born, we grow and compete for limited resources, the fittest get the biggest slice of the pie (or even the whole pie), each person acts in his or her own self-interest without regard for the effect on others, and we learn to ride the waves of impersonal economic forces or we are crushed by them. Life is a fight for survival and dominance in a hostile or indifferent world. Our assumptions about reality have created this reality, and now this self-created reality reinforces our assumptions.

Where is the meaning in this? There are those who observe this self-created reality and conclude that life has no meaning. Spending all one's energy to get ahead or even just to hold one's own does not constitute a meaningful life.

A GRACIOUS WORLDVIEW

Although I grew up with a hostile worldview and although a gracious worldview is sometimes difficult for me to sustain, I do believe that the world is gracious. I also believe that we need to recognize areas of hostility and of indifference. Some people, for instance, do intend to harm us, and natural phenomena, such as weather patterns, are indifferent to us - so we need to act wisely and take precautions. But at the heart of the universe is goodness, compassion, beauty, and joy.

The evidence for this is not conclusive, but neither is the evidence for a hostile or indifferent universe. And if our car goes where our eyes go, I would much rather have my car go into graciousness than into hostility or indifference. I also believe that there is evidence of a gracious universe. As I see it, this evidence lies in these areas.

1. Graciousness is abundantly present in our world.
2. People create gracious societies.
3. We crave meaning and goodness.
4. Joy is a sign of truth.

1. Graciousness is abundantly present in our world.

Our world is beautiful. Animals, plants, forests, deserts, rivers, oceans, mountains, sunrises, sunsets, the night sky - we live in a beautiful world. Nature is beautiful in its wild state, and humans can shape it and enhance its beauty. A profusion of wildflowers on a hillside is lovely, as is a garden artistically arranged with flowers, a statue, and a fountain.

Our five senses give us enormous pleasure. We can delight in color, shape, and design. A rainbow in the sky lifts our spirits, as do the rainbow colors reflected on a wall through a prism hanging in a window. We can admire pictures in the clouds, as well as paintings and sculptures by the masters. We can enjoy the cricket song in the evening, as well as a powerful chorus performing Handel's Messiah. We can bask in the massage of a gentle breeze or of a skilled masseur or masseuse. We can savor wild strawberries or blueberries, as well as the culinary masterpieces of a great chef. We can enjoy the aroma of a full-blown rose or of brewing coffee.

We can imagine and create. We can explore the world of fiction, poetry, film, theater, painting, sculpture, architecture, needlecraft, song, instrumental music, gymnastics, athletics, mathematics, biology, chemistry, physics. theology, philosophy, dreams, psychology.

Our world is full to overflowing with things to enjoy.

2. People create gracious societies.

While an over-emphasis on competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and economic forces seen as impersonal has been in the ascendant for some time - it is also true that people create gracious societies. There are people who consciously turn their attention away from those things that point to hostility or indifference and who turn their attention instead toward graciousness. They create gracious societies based on cooperation, compassion, and inter-dependence.

Many indigenous societies, intentional communities, and loving families are of this type. I think of the Goddess-worshipping cultures of Europe, the Native American nations encountered by the first Europeans coming to the Americas, the religious communities founded by Saint Francis of Assisi and by Saint Claire, churches whose members have a deep commitment to each other and to their neighbors, and families I have known where love and social consciousness prevail.

Are these societies, communities, and families perfectly gracious? No. But then, neither is the wider society, or even corporate America, perfectly hostile or indifferent.

3. We crave meaning and goodness.

For me, the fact that we so crave meaning, that we so crave goodness, points to meaning itself and goodness itself at the heart of the universe.

We deeply want our lives to have meaning. All of art, for instance, is a search for or an expression of meaning - through story, poetry, painting, sculpture, music. Even when an artist believes that life is meaningless, he or she feels drawn to express this - in literature of the absurd, in convoluted visual art, in cacophonous music. The artist feels compelled to show what life means, even if it means nothing. If life truly means nothing, from whence comes this urge to dig for a meaning and to express it?

We also feel an urge to understand our world factually. People devote their lives to the study of biology, chemistry, physics, mathematics, history, philosophy, theology - and so much more. We feel compelled to learn about our world, to study it, to understand it, to organize our knowledge. We deeply desire meaning, and this desire points to an actual meaning which is the object of this desire.

This desire for meaning is so universal - across cultures, across times, across disciplines - that I believe it is evidence that an ultimate meaning exists. A desire so ingrained in human nature must be there for a reason - it must have an object - life must have meaning.

And the meaning of life must be good. I believe this because we deeply desire goodness. We see the harm in our world, and even though we don't seem able to correct it, we do deplore it. Our hearts are warmed by stories of goodness and kindness, and repelled by stories of harm and hate. I believe that our attraction for the good - the compassionate, the beautiful, the joyful - is the truth of the universe asserting itself in our very nature.

4. Joy is a sign of truth.

I simply believe that what promotes our soul health must be true. Why are our souls made so that the good, the beautiful, and the compassionate give us deep joy? I would say that this is because the good, the beautiful, and the compassionate are the truth at the heart of the universe.

When goodness, beauty, and compassion prevail, we are deeply satisfied, we feel at peace. When harm, ugliness, and hatred prevail, we feel dissatisfied, unfinished, out of balance. We feel that the story isn't over. We must continue until wrong is righted, until the good prevails. Only then can we rest. Only then do we feel complete.

We have a sense of temporariness around hostility and indifference and a sense of permanence around graciousness. Why? Because this is the truth of the universe asserting itself within our nature. Our nature will not let us rest until we are aligned with truth. The truth is not hostility or indifference, but graciousness. When things are hostile or indifferent, we feel out of balance and incomplete. When things are gracious, we feel a sense of equilibrium and completion.

Soul Work - Deeper Moons Focused on God

My previous post identified deeper Moons focused on God, others, and self. By Moons, I mean things that I deeply want to bring into my life and live into. This post will explore deeper Moons - Moons that involve important soul work - focused on God. The categories God, others, and self are arbitrary and certainly overlap. Some of what I say in this post will seem very much focused on self as well as on God.

The Moons focusing on God are ENJOY and THANK. Each involves a deeply ingrained attitude toward life, an attitude that I imbibed in the family where I grew up, along with needed family soul healing. Here they are:

• ENJOY: Heal the goal of getting from here to the grave as safely and painlessly as possible by living life fully and joyfully.
• THANK: Heal the hostile worldview by seeing the world as gracious and by expressing thanks.

ENJOY

In the family where I grew up, I was afraid much of the time - afraid of my father and afraid of God. My father was terrifying in his unpredictable rages, and I envisioned God as a much huger, more powerful, and far more terrifying version of my father. Life with my father and with the God I created in my father's image was intensely painful. With my father, I learned to suspend my soul, go numb, and wait for his rage to pass. My goal in life came to be staying safe and avoiding pain. I did not care about joy - if I could just be safe and pain-free, that was all I wanted.

I see now that having as one's life goal to get from here to the grave as safely and painlessly as possible represents a huge soul wound. The healthy soul embraces life and lives as fully and joyfully as possible. I do this by knowing and doing what gives me joy. In light of needs I see in my world, I want to embrace Moons of this type that do not involve large expense, that truly enrich me, that promote personal and planetary health, that in some way encourage others. Here are some possible such Moons:

• Savor the simple pleasures of life: a beautiful flower, the evening cricket song, a gentle breeze, the texture of the prayer shawl I'm knitting and the comforting repetitive hand movements, a bike ride on the Mississippi River levee bike trail, a piece of dark chocolate, a cup of warm tea, a ripe peach, the scent of sweet olive.
• Blog frequently.
• Publish small books based on my writing.
• Draw regularly and post drawings on my blog.
• Exhibit a series of my artwork with other amateur artists.
• Organize a reader's theater.
• Attend plays, concerts, operas, movies.
• Give theme parties.
• Study the Bardic lessons of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, and use it as material for writing and drawing.
• Look for opportunities to encourage others to engage in writing, visual art, and music - Live the concept that everyone is an artist.
• Form a piano quartet or duo.

The above Moons do not involve large expense, do truly enrich me, do promote personal and planetary health (usually in the sense of lifting my spirits and bringing beauty and joy into the world), and do in some way encourage others.

The encouraging of others is something I want to be sure to incorporate. Some of the above Moons clearly involve others, such as giving theme parties and organizing a reader's theater. Some make my work available to others by publishing it on my blog, thus making my insights available for others to interact with and perhaps encouraging others in their own writing and artistic endeavors. Some, such as savoring simple pleasures, make me a more pleasant person to be around.

THANK

My father espoused a view in which the world is a hostile place. Survival of the fittest is the rule, it's a dog-eat-dog world, people are out for themselves. What puzzles me is why on earth my father would want to bring children into such a world. If the world is such a hostile place, why would one subject others to it? In any case, I grew up in a home where I learned that the world is hostile, that I must constantly be on the defensive and not trust anyone, and that I can expect terrible things to happen.

I believe that the healthy soul sees the world as a gracious place. Yes, there are pockets of hostility and of indifference. There are people with harmful intent; therefore, it is well to avoid certain neighborhoods and to keep one's doors locked. Nature is indifferent; therefore, it is well to recognize and shun poison ivy, to avoid stirring up a nest of hornets, and to evacuate when in the path of a hurricane. Yet, overall, at rock bottom, life is gracious.

I admit that this can be extremely hard to see when one is imprisoned in a concentration camp, or when one is born or captured into slavery, or when one has been raped, or when one has just suffered an injury that leaves one completely paralyzed. I have no idea how I would respond if faced with any such situation - and I don't wish to find out. It is worth noting, though, that there have been people in each of these situations who have come through with their faith in God and in life as gracious intact. People have forgiven those who have imprisoned, tortured, enslaved, and raped them. People have become authors, artists, musicians, public speakers, and community organizers while severely disabled.

For me, the key is to change the direction in which I focus my attention. In The Art of Racing in the Rain, we learn this lesson:

Your car goes where your eyes go. (Page 82)

Enzo, in The Art of Racing in the Rain, puts it like this: "In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle" (page 83).

It is easy for me to focus on the pain and the injustice of life. The healthy soul, however, recognizes the pain and the injustice but focuses on the graciousness - the love, the beauty, the compassion, the joy.

Where do my eyes go? When faced with flying in an airplane, my eyes go to a possible plane crash and an unbearable injury such as complete paralysis or severe burns over large areas of the body. When faced with a hospital procedure, my eyes go to all the many things that can possibly go wrong in a hospital, such as surgical implements being left inside the body and full anaesthesia awareness and brain injury. When faced with a class to teach, my eyes go to dissatisfied students and poor teaching evaluations. When faced with a social event, my eyes go to others finding me unattractive and uninteresting.

Where might my eyes go instead? To the excitement of flying, traveling, and exploring another place. To a smooth medical procedure and recovery and to the health benefits to be gained from the procedure. To an exciting class, an engaging subject, and engaged students. To interesting and enjoyable personal interactions at a social event.

Sometimes it is necessary to recognize that we live in a time when a mistaken worldview is in the ascendant, filling the world with pain and injustice temporarily. In The Case for God, Karen Armstrong describes how Socrates did this, even when faced with a death sentence: "He could have escaped and was probably expected to do so. But even though the sentence was unjust, he preferred to obey the laws of his beloved Athens to the end: he would die a witness (martys) to the untruth currently in the ascendant" (page 58).

Socrates knew that a mistaken worldview was "currently in the ascendant" (page 58). Even though this mistaken worldview affected Socrates severely, Socrates knew that this worldview was a temporary, not a permanent, condition.

This is so important to viewing life as gracious. It is so tempting to see the current time as all there is. The current time is not all there is. We can look at the time-line of human presence on earth - tens of thousands of years at the very least, and possibly hundreds of thousands of years. We can look at the time-line of the universe - billions or trillions of years. We can look at the time-line of God - eternity.

I would say that a time of pain, violence, and injustice has been in the ascendant for the last several thousand years. During this time, we have seen the enthronement of a patriarchal system, the dominance/subordination model for social interactions, the use of violence and war to establish dominance, the concept of human property and slavery, the reliance on power over, the exaltation of competition. This leads to an attitude where one does whatever will enrich oneself - no matter the consequences for other people, for future generations, for other living creatures, for our Earth. Others are expected to watch out for themselves. If others get hurt, it's their own fault. We see this today in the current financial crisis, the Enron scandal, the mismanagement of mortgages, BP's disregard for safety precautions, the abuse of animals in research, the inhumane mass-production methods at chicken and hog farms, the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, the pollution of the Earth for industrial growth. People are saying, "I will do whatever benefits me. Let others take care of themselves."

This attitude is in the ascendant, and it has severe effects. It is easy for our eyes to go to the hostile and the indifferent. But I believe this is not the truth of life - it is a temporary aberration, even though the aberration may last throughout my life-time and beyond. It is not all there is. It is not even all there is right now. It is important to turn our eyes to the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful. There is hostility and indifference in our world - we do need to recognize this. But our eyes can focus on the graciousness of life. This is what I need to do to help heal a deep wound in my family soul.

How shall I do this? By thanking. By noticing the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful - and by expressing thanks - to God and to people.

MY GOD MOONS

Let me end by listing my God Moons in summary form.

• Savor the simple pleasures of life.
• Do art - Practice, Publish, Encourage.
• Thank God and people for the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful.

Soul Work - Deeper Moons

My previous two posts have been about going for the Moon - going after and living one's dreams. I have explored my Moons, or those things that give me joy, and I have examined factors that influence whether I choose the easier path of playing it safe or the more satisfying path of going for the Moon.

My Moons include the following:

• ART: Having and playing a piano in my home again, exhibiting a series of my art work, publishing small books based on writing I've done
• EXPLORATION: Driving the Ring Road in Iceland and visiting the Trapp Family Lodge in Vermont
• HOME-MAKING: Giving theme parties
• GOD: Studying the Bardic materials of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids

Although I recognize Moons that give me joy, I often choose instead to take the easier path of playing it safe because of these fears:

• Being exposed as shamefully incompetent
• Feeling others' disapproval for promoting myself and showing off
• Being selfish
• Feeling the anxiety and discomfort of change
• Being injured, especially in a painful or incapacitating way
• Losing all my money
• Losing my solitude, whereby - as an introvert - I replenish myself
• Losing my free time and plans by being called upon unexpectedly

I determined that I might choose to follow and live into a Moon because the Moon has the following characteristics:

• Fills me with joy
• Promotes health and healing for my soul
• Connects me with God
• Encourages others in some way

In this post, I will go deeper. I will examine what soul work I may be called upon to do in this life. I will consider not just my individual soul but also my family soul. The family soul is a concept I explored in a previous post of August 24, 2009, titled "Frank Schaeffer's Memoir: Insight - The Family Soul." In that post, I showed how Frank Schaeffer carried further some of the soul work that his father had done and how Frank's son carried this soul work further still. I explored the idea that we may be able to advance soul work that our parents and ancestors have carried to a certain level and that we may be able help heal family soul wounds.

In observing the family in which I was raised, I can identify these areas of family soul work:

• Goal of getting from here to the grave as safely and painlessly as possible - Live fully and joyfully
• Hostile worldview - See the world as gracious
• Scarcity mentality, leading to hoarding - Develop an abundance mentality, leading to generosity
• Judgmental attitude - Develop compassion
• Avoidance of service - Serve in appropriate ways
• Secretiveness - Be honest in appropriate ways, especially in taking responsibility for one's actions and feelings
• Excessive busyness - Spend time being rather than constantly doing
• Anger - Act from a place of calm centeredness

It seems that there is a word for each of the above points: Enjoy, Thank, Give, Love, Serve, Show, Be, Relax.

That's still a lot to grasp - eight words, eight concepts. Well, I think I can group them into three categories:

• GOD: Enjoy, Thank
• OTHERS: Give, Love, Serve
• SELF: Show, Be, Relax

These are the deeper Moons for me to live into. The specific actions I take are far less important than the deeper attitudes that my actions are expressing. In other words, it is not so important that I get and play a piano or drive the Ring Road in Iceland or give a theme party as it is that I deeply enjoy my life with a spirit of thankfulness.

It is clear that my Moons in my "What are My Moons?" post of July 23, 2010 focus on things that I enjoy doing. In light of my deeper Moons, I think it is important for me to choose a few of those enjoyable Moons - particularly ones that do not involve large expenses in light of the current economic crisis, ones that truly enrich my life, and ones that encourage others in some way. It is also important for me to take delight in living into Moons that involve giving, loving, and serving.

My next three posts will explore the three Moon areas I have identified: God, others, self.

The Easy Path or the More Satisfying Path

This post is a follow-up to my previous post, where I reflect on my Moons - those things that give me joy and that I want to bring into my life.

In The Art of Racing in the Rain, Denny is tempted to take the easier path, to settle for less, by signing a settlement that would give primary custody of Zoe to his deceased wife's parents - but he chooses instead to go for the Moon, to refuse compromise, and to hold out for full custody of Zoe. Denny is determined to give his all for the Moon, to fulfill his two dreams, to continue race car driving and to raise his daughter himself. When Denny wins the custody suit, Enzo observes that "another path might have been easier for him to travel, but that it couldn't possibly have offered a more satisfying conclusion" (page 304).

This raises a question: Shall I choose the easier path or the more satisfying path? Often I choose the easier path. Below are some ways I've done this.

• Flying in an airplane. I find flying to be distressing and fear-provoking, and rather than deal with those unpleasant feelings, I simply don't fly. This eliminates the satisfaction of getting to Iceland to drive the Ring Road and of traveling anywhere it would be impossible or impractical to drive.
• Taking the elevator. I find this, too, to be distressing and fear-provoking, so I simply don't do it. This eliminates the satisfaction of very high views and causes hassles in buildings where stairways are kept locked.
• Playing the organ. I used to play the organ at Mount Olivet Episcopal Church when the church organist was out of town. But I developed a high level of performance anxiety and, rather than deal with the anxiety, I simply stopped playing. This eliminates the satisfaction of playing in church.
• Having a family. I have chosen to eliminate all possibility of creating a dysfunctional family by simply not having a family at all. This eliminates the satisfaction of being part of a family.

I tend to take on work and activities that will not demand too much of me. I am easily stressed, and I try to stick to areas where I know I can succeed. I don't want to be in charge, I don't want too much work, and I don't want my free time impinged upon.

I should explain, though, that within the areas I do take on, I am very responsible and hard-working - it's just that I deliberately limit those areas. For instance, I will not take on the responsibility and work of directing the program in which I teach - but I will work hard as a teacher within that program. And even though I say that I don't want my free time impinged upon, I do feel comfortable having my students call me at home when they have questions, meeting with my students outside of class, and doing extra-curricular activities with my students. I have no desire, however, to take on all kinds of extra volunteer work, and there are certain kinds of community activities that many people feel are important but that I avoid.

In The Art of Racing in the Rain, Enzo reports these words of Don Kitch, the owner of a race car driving school: "'There is no dishonor in losing the race,' Don said. 'There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose'" (page 277). There are races that I do not enter for a number of reasons, including fear of losing. These are some of my reasons.

• Fear of being exposed as shamefully incompetent
• Fear of others' disapproval for promoting myself and showing off
• Fear of being selfish
• Fear of the anxiety and discomfort of change
• Fear of being injured, especially in a painful or incapacitating way
• Fear of losing all my money
• Fear of losing my solitude, whereby - as an introvert - I replenish my energy
• Fear of losing control of my free time and plans by being called upon unexpectedly

These are some of the fears that keep me from entering the race. Rather than deal with them, I often simply don't enter. I take the easier path rather than the more satisfying path.

As I think about this as it relates to my travel Moons (as described in my previous post), especially driving the Iceland Ring Road, I realize that this Moon may be a bit ambitious for the moment. The complete Moon is actually to drive the Iceland Ring Road and to be paid to write about it. This taps into my fear of being exposed as a shamefully incompetent writer, my fear of others' disapproval for promoting my writing and showing off, my fear of being selfish for spending so much money when the world has so many needs, my fear of the anxiety and discomfort associated with doing something of this magnitude, my fear of being injured in flying, and my fear of losing all my money in paying for the adventure. Perhaps a baby step is in order.

In addition, since one of my Moons is to have a piano in my home again and to take piano lessons, I decided to stop by Hall Pianos today to look at pianos. I really liked one of the digital keyboards that is very piano-like in sound and feel. This could allow me to play with headphones and not disturb the neighbors. I could feel my fears arising, though, especially the fear of being selfish and the fear of losing all my money.

I can see that there is a conflict with my Moons. Some Moons give me joy but also arouse fear. The fear spoils the joy. For example, it gave me joy to play the organ in church, but once I started having high performance anxiety - which manifested as spasms in my lower back muscles - the fear seemed greater than the joy and I gave it up. It wasn't worth it. I guess we could say that I let the fear swallow up the joy. My tendency in thinking about driving the Iceland Ring Road is similar: the fear involved seems so much greater than the joy that I don't pursue this Moon. It seems not worth it. I let the fear swallow the joy.

When put this way, it almost seems that maybe this is important soul work I need to do. To let the joy be greater than the fear. To believe that life is gracious and that my Moons point to a satisfying life and connect me with God. To know that I can choose my Moons and that my Moons can change. To live into my Moons, perhaps with baby steps at first. To live my Moons in ways that promote my health and healing and that promote the health and healing of our Earth. To extend a hand to others, encouraging and empowering them to live their own Moons.

Sometimes it is a good decision to choose the easier path. But not in the way I've been doing so. Not with that panicky decision of "No, it's too scary, it's not worth it." A far better decision can be made after thinking and feeling through the issues and then choosing with the heart.

Sometimes one's heart makes such a strong choice that one will do whatever it takes to reach the Moon. In The Art of Racing in the Rain, Denny knows that he will do whatever it takes to win full custody of Zoe - there is no question of compromise. Denny says: "'I'm going to win this thing or I'm going to run out of fuel on the last lap. But I'm not going to quit. I promised Zoe. I'm not going to quit'" (page 267).

My Moons are not of the magnitude of custody of one's child. Certainly, it is not crucial that I drive the Iceland Ring Road, or that I have a piano in my home and play it, or that I give theme parties, or that I study the Druidry materials for the Bardic grade. These actions are not important as actions. They are important insofar as they fill me with joy, promote health and healing for my soul, connect me with God, and in some way encourage others. To what extent does my heart say Yes to each Moon?

The idea is absolutely not to accumulate Moons. If pursuing a so-called Moon will simply increase my anxiety and fill me with fear, then I do need to take the easier path and leave that Moon alone or change it. But there are Moons to live into that will fill me with joy, promote health and healing for my soul, connect me with God, and in some way encourage others. That is when my heart is likely to say Yes to that Moon.

Why would my heart choose to live into a Moon? Here is why.

• The Moon fills me with joy.
• The Moon promotes health and healing for my soul.
• The Moon connects me with God.
• The Moon in some way encourages others.

This is a Moon I can embrace. This is when it is worth it to forego the easier path for the more satisfying path.