Non-Parental Images of God: Wise Mentor

In my previous post, I explored why I find that parental images of God do not match reality. In this post, I will explore an image of God that I believe does: that of Wise Mentor.

In my previous post, I mentioned that, while an image of God as parent with ourselves as children does not match reality, perhaps an image of God as parent with ourselves as adult sons or daughters does. In a good parent/son or parent/daughter relationship, an adult son or daughter can go to his or her parent to share experiences and to hear the perspective of someone older and wiser. The parent is no longer responsible for the son or daughter and knows that the son or daughter will make his or her own choices, but the parent is happy to share his or her experience, perspective, and wisdom. The parent functions, now, as mentor.

I believe that God can be seen as Wise Mentor. Actually, when in need of wisdom, I find that I can take any of several approaches. (Certainly, these approaches are not the only ones, but these are the ones I like to use.)

Mother God. I can talk to Mother God as her adult daughter. Mother God does not protect me from life in this world or from the consequences of my own actions. When I feel tired or discouraged or overwhelmed, though, she does provide comfort. She also offers wisdom in any particular circumstance. She answers questions. I hear Mother God through my own thoughts. When Mother God communicates something to me, it feels like a simple thought, but a thought that I would not ordinarily have. These thoughts from Mother God can come while I am communicating quietly with her or in the midst of other life activities - while am riding my bicycle or cleaning my house, for instance. Certainly, I cannot prove that these thoughts are communications from Mother God. They do, however, seem to me to be communications from Mother God, and I choose to believe that they are.

Irma, Mike, Sandra. My deceased mother, Irma; my deceased father, Mike; and my deceased sister, Sandra are also sources of wisdom. I sometimes have thoughts that seem to come from Irma or Mike or Sandra. The idea of a family soul and of healing family soul wounds (which I have explored elsewhere on this blog) seems to me to have come from Irma or Mike (I can't now remember which one). Sandra once sent me some clear emergency thoughts on a specific occasion when my thoughts were escalating in a dangerous direction. The thoughts from Sandra were like this: No. Stop. You're about to go over a mental cliff. Just stop. Good. Now back up. Back up with your thoughts. Keep backing up. Keep stepping back. Good. My own thoughts had been heading for a black hole of depression, and I was able to just stop and then to back up to a place of enough mental light so that I could go to bed and sleep peacefully. (This happened at night.) Since then, I have been able to use Sandra's technique successfully on other occasions. I realize that I haven't fully explained the technique, but here I just want to suggest how I receive wisdom from my mother, father, and sister in the spirit world.

My Holy Guardian Angel. I believe that I have a Holy Guardian Angel. Sometimes I ask my Angel for help in opening myself to wisdom. I believe that my Angel knows me quite well and can provide help in ways that I may not fully understand. In other words, my Angel can help in opening my receptive channels for wisdom, but I don't know exactly how my Angel accomplishes this.

My Own Deepest Self. I believe that I have a deep store of wisdom within myself. What I call my deepest self is the core part of me that wants to connect with God, with Being, with Compassion, with Justice, with Beauty, with Joy, with Generosity, with what is Deeply Right, with what is Life Giving and Life Enhancing. This is different from my surface self, who wants to strike back at people who hurt or irritate me, who wants to hoard and hide things for fear that I may otherwise not have enough for myself, who shuns risk-taking in favor of security, whose goal is to get from here to the grave as painlessly as possible. I find it very helpful to simply stand in my place of deep inner wisdom to consider a situation. There, I can see and understand the desires of my surface self, I can acknowledge those desires and have compassion for my fearful surface self, and I can choose to act - not from the surface fear or anger - but from the deeper place of wisdom and compassion.

These are ways that I can connect with Mother God, Irma and Mike and Sandra, my Holy Guardian Angel, and My Deepest Self.

• Communicating mentally. I quiet myself by breathing deeply, imagining myself breathing through my heart. I picture myself sitting in the presence of any of the above and telling my situation. I then listen quietly. Listening has to be done without expectations, though. It doesn't help to strain to hear an answer. The answer may not come right then. It may come later while I am engaged in some other activity. Sometimes it doesn't come. When an answer doesn't come, I believe that I am not ready to hear the answer or I am not asking the right question.
• Writing. Writing is a powerful way of accessing inner wisdom. Something about the process of writing brings insights to consciousness. If I write out my conversation with any of the above, I often find insights flowing onto the page or computer screen. In fact, asking my Holy Guardian Angel for help in opening my receptive channels to wisdom and then simply writing about a situation can be very helpful.
• Just living. Sometimes an insight will simply come to me in the form of a thought without my having asked. The thought just comes as I'm going about the activities of living.

Our Images of God Must Match Reality

The way we picture God has to match reality. I find that parental images of God do not. Or at least parental images of God combined with child images of ourselves do not. God as parent with ourselves as adult sons or daughters - perhaps. God then becomes more of a mentor.

The problem with imaging God as parent - as all-loving Father (or Mother) watching over his or her children (us) - is that this image simply does not correspond to reality. Look at our world, the people in it, and the events that happen. Do you see God behaving as all-loving parent? I do not.

If I were a parent and loved my children, I would NEVER behave as God does. I would NEVER, for example, allow one of my children to hurt another. If I saw my older and stronger child beating up my younger child, I would put an IMMEDIATE stop to it. God does not do this.

God allows the weaker to suffer at the hands of the stronger. Hitler and his henchmen tortured, starved, and killed millions of Europeans for no other reason than that these Europeans were not pure Aryans. Far too many human parents beat, punch, kick, and burn their own children for no other reason that that the parents are in a "bad mood." Far too many men rape women for other reason than that they can. Far too many corporations lay off their workers and send families into financial disaster and even homelessness for no other reason than to give themselves higher and higher profits.

God does not lift a finger to stop the abuse and end the suffering. This is not the behavior of an all-loving parent.

Perhaps there is a final reckoning where the bad will be punished and the good rewarded - but this punishment/reward idea is not good parental policy. In fact, I suspect that our images of heaven and hell represent human attempts to "explain" God's failure to step in and prevent some of God's children from hurting others. God does not step in on earth, so there "must be" a final reckoning.

Well, if I were a parent, I certainly would not find a reward/punishment system to be ideal. I guess I could punish my older child for beating up my younger child and comfort my younger child with a treat. But is it not far more important for me to look beyond the surface behavior to the deeper cause of what happened? If I find that my older child is beating up my younger child to exert power or perhaps to get my attention, then whoa, something is quite wrong and needs to be corrected. As parent, I would be responsible for correcting the deeper problem, not just punishing the surface behavior.

SO, bottom line, if we look at the reality of our world, we find that God does not prevent the suffering of God's children - whether the suffering comes through natural circumstances or at the hands of others - as I certainly believe that an all-loving parent would do. True, a good parent does not hover over his or her children and anxiously remove every possible cause of suffering, preventing the children from engaging with life on their own. But neither would a good parent allow excruciating suffering if he or she could step in to prevent it.

This image of God as all-loving parent causes people to turn away from God when undeserved suffering enters their lives. They are furious at God for not behaving as they believe a cosmic parent would. My uncle is a case in point. My uncle's only son died at age six of a childhood illness. My uncle felt absolutely betrayed by God. If God is an all-loving parent, how could God possibly allow this? My uncle turned away from God for years.

To my mind, the idea that God is an all-loving parent and we are God's children does not match reality. Let us not expect God to behave like our cosmic parent. God does not do this.

God as Being Itself - Creating Heaven or Hell on Earth

As a result of reading Karen Armstrong's A Case For God, I am coming to envision God more and more, not so much as A Being, but as Being Itself. In my previous post, I examined some of the differences in envisioning God as A Being and envisioning God as Being, and I noted that envisioning God as Being has these three consequences.

• God cannot be contained, described, or defined, because Being lies beyond the capacity of logical language.
• Our ideas about God cannot be said to be right or wrong, because seemingly different ideas about God often point to a deeper truth.
• We experience God, not through correct belief (which cannot be determined anyway), but through the practice of compassion and through ritual.

In this post, I will examine an additional - and very important - consequence of envisioning God as Being:

As particular beings - created in the image and likeness of God, or Being - we participate in Being Itself. This means that we have a vast capacity to create. God, or Being, will not dictate or limit how we use this vast creative capacity. Therefore, we do truly have the capacity to create Heaven or Hell on Earth.

People sometimes use horrific human creations, such as the concentration camps of Hitler's Third Reich, as evidence that there is no God. In the face of such horror, God seems to make no sense. God is said to be all-powerful and all-loving. But if God is all-powerful, then the fact that God did not prevent Hitler's cruelty shows that God is not all-loving, for an all-loving God would most certainly have used God's infinite power to prevent such suffering. If God is all-loving, then the fact that God did not prevent Hitler's cruelty shows that God is not all-powerful, for an all-powerful God would most certainly have shown God's infinite love for Hitler's victims by preventing their excruciating pain. Conclusion: There is no God.

However, if we understand God as Being Itself, I think we can see this differently.

First, I think it is important to understand that Being is vastly creative and that, as particular beings, we share in this vast capacity to create. Second, I think it is important to understand that this vastness encompasses good and evil. We can create vastly for good as well as vastly for evil - as we choose.

Now - why would God, or Being, not limit our capacity to create for evil? Evil is so destructive and causes such terrible suffering. Why wouldn't God, or Being, simply prevent this?

I believe that God, or Being, does not limit our capacity to create for evil because any limitation of our creativity would diminish our creative capacity as a whole. You cannot limit the capacity to create for evil without diminishing the capacity to create period.

Observing the way the world works, I see that God, or Being, is not about limiting but about choosing and expanding. It is clear that we have choice - people can and do choose to act for good, and people can and do choose to act for evil. It is clear that acting expands our capacity to act - the more we exercise a particular capacity, the more we expand that capacity. We expand our creative capacity by using it, and we choose in which direction to use it, for good or for evil. We simply HAVE this capacity - and God, or Being, is not going to limit us.

We really can, if we choose to, create Hell on Earth. We have the vast creative capacity to do so. Hitler and his Gestapo did. Karen Armstrong points out the similarities between our common depiction of Hell and the concentration camps of the Third Reich. People packed like sardines into railroad cars without food, water, or sanitation for their long trip to the equally-packed concentration camp. Brutal and meaningless labor under the all-seeing eyes of the wrathful guards. Extreme deprivation. Cruel and dehumanizing medical experiments. Fiery ovens igniting gas chambers of death. Rageful yelling of overseers and terrified screaming of victims. Hopelessness and despair. Human beings created a heartless machinery that would destroy all misfits (Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, the physically disabled, the mentally impaired) and support only productive and efficient Aryans.

On the other hand, we really can, if we choose to, create Heaven on Earth. We have the vast creative capacity to do so.

Now - let us consider this question: Why is it that we want God to limit our capacity to create for evil?

I think I know at least part of the answer. First, we see ourselves as separate from each other to a greater extent than is probably true. We see Hitler and his cronies making decisions and acting in ways that caused horrible suffering to others. Second - as we see the individual, Hitler, aided by his individual henchmen, hurting innocent people - we believe that an all-powerful, all-loving, and all-parental God should never allow this.

First, let us consider the question of individuality. I think we have a paradox here, and perhaps a deeper truth that underlies the paradox. On the one hand, Hitler is an individual and is responsible for his choices. So is each of Hitler's henchmen. Each of these individuals did make choices that inflicted terrible suffering on millions of other individuals. On the other hand, Hitler would never have risen to power if the wider society had not permitted it and if the collective mindset had not in some way supported Hitler's ideas. Hitler and his henchmen acted as individuals AND as members of a society that allowed them to do what they did. Both points are true. Perhaps we can say that the fact that Hitler and his henchmen could create what they did points to something that deeply needs to be healed in our collective soul.

Second, let us consider the idea of the all-parental God. Perhaps God isn't the all-encompassing parent we often envision. What if God shares Being with us and expects us to participate actively in Being? What if we are the ones to prevent the cruelty of Hitler and his henchmen? What if we are responsible for the way our creative capacity gets exercised on Earth? What if it is up to us to say and enact a resounding NO to Hitler?

We would like to see God do this or that to limit our capacity for evil, yet we ourselves have the capacity for self-limitation through our choices. We can choose to avoid and to stop evil (creating suffering) and choose to enact good (creating beauty). Observing the way the world works, it seems clear to me that God, or Being, isn't going to do what we have the capacity to do ourselves through our own participation in Being.

God as Being Itself - Overview

I have recently read Karen Armstrong's A Case For God. Karen takes us through the whole sweep of human pre-history and history and the ways humans have envisioned and related to God over the millennia. One of Karen's main points is the difference between seeing God as A BEING and seeing God as BEING ITSELF. In this post, I will examine the difference between these two ways of seeing God.

GOD AS A BEING

As an elementary Catholic school child, I learned in my Catechism class (as did Karen Armstrong) that God is A BEING. God is, in fact, THE SUPREME BEING. In its trademark question-and-answer format, the Baltimore Catechism states:

QUESTION: Who is God?

ANSWER: God is the Supreme Being, infinitely perfect, who made all things and keeps them in existence.

This invites us to see God as A Being (just as we are each a being), but as A Being much greater, much wiser, much more powerful than we are. We are lesser, finite, imperfect beings. God is The Supreme Being, infinitely perfect. Each of us is a being created by God. God is The Supreme Being who has always existed and who has created all other beings.

Here are two consequences of viewing God as A Being.

• We can contain, describe, and define God: Envisioning God as A Being suggests that God is someTHING out there which (though incorporeal) can nonetheless be contained, described, and defined. God exists (as we do) and possesses characteristics (as we do). God's existence (unlike our physical existence on earth) is immortal and eternal. God's characteristics (unlike ours) are perfect and infinite: God is infinitely and perfectly knowing, infinitely and perfectly wise, infinitely and perfectly powerful, infinitely and perfectly loving, infinitely and perfectly just.
• Our ideas about God are either right or wrong: Envisioning God as A Being also suggests that any given idea about God is either right or wrong. Since God is A Being who exists and possesses characteristics, I can be right in my ideas about This Being, and if your ideas differ from my right ideas about This Being, then your ideas about This Being are wrong. I may feel that I need to convert you to my right ideas about God, or worse, that I need to destroy you because you are a source of heresy or even blasphemy.

Karen Armstrong points out that this view of God as A Being - who can be contained, described, and defined and about whom our ideas are either right or wrong - is a relatively recent one that coincides with the flowering of modern science during the Enlightenment. Karen explains that, as science came into its own and improved people's lives so extensively, the thought patterns upon which science is based were exalted more and more until they became the only legitimate type of thought. This type of thought is called logos. Logos is logical, thrives on analysis and differentiation, insists on rational proof, sees time as linear.

Karen Armstrong explains that logos is proper for science but not for religion, where different thought patterns are needed - the thought patterns of mythos. Mythos sees deeper truth within logical contradictions, teaches wisdom through story, thrives on art, feels comfortable with paradox, sees time as spiral.

Logos sees God as A Being who can be contained,described, and defined and about whom our ideas are either right or wrong. Mythos sees God as Being Itself.

GOD AS BEING ITSELF

For millennia before the scientific age and the exclusive focus on logos - stretching back into the reaches of pre-history and surviving here and there through the Enlightenment and into the twenty-first century - we find people who see God as Being Itself. In other words, God is seen not as A Being but as Being. What does this mean? As it turns out, language begins to fail us when we try to talk about God who is not A Being but Being.

To see God as Being Itself is to see God as completely beyond anything in our experience. Everything in our experience is a being. We know what a being is (which may be why we feel comfortable envisioning God as The Supreme Being), but what is Being? We don't know.

As I think about this, I am not sure if we don't know what Being is because Being is not within our experience - or if we don't know what Being is because Being is so intimate a part of our world that we can't see it, or in other words, because we are so enmeshed in Being that we can't step back from Being enough to get a view of it.

Examining the previous sentence makes me see that the two possibilities - Being as not part of our experience and Being as something we are too enmeshed in to see - may really be the same thing. That is, something can be so intimate a part of our experience that we don't experience it! We can't separate from it enough to experience it consciously.

But it is also true that there are things beyond our experience. As a simple example, color is beyond the experience of a person who has always been blind. No matter what words we use to describe blue to such a blind person, we will not be able to convey the experience of blue. Lacking physical vision, the blind person does not have the capacity to experience blue. Just so, it may be that we lack the capacity to experience Being Itself.

Whether because we are too enmeshed in Being to experience it or because Being is truly beyond our capacity to experience, we simply do not have language to describe Being. Everything we know in our world is a being. Nothing we know in our world is Being. Yet, from the dawn of time, humans have recognized that Something Beyond - let us call this God - is there. The sages have recognized that we in our finite, mortal, human state do not have the capacity to contain, describe, define God. But we do have the capacity to experience God.

Karen Armstrong points out the difficulty we have with language about God. For instance, can God be said to exist? We know that a being exists, but can Being be said to exist? We sense that Being is there, but we also sense that Being does not exist in the way that a being exists. A being may exist one day and cease to exist the next day. Being seems to be that which makes possible the existence of any particular being. So Being is there, but Being is not there in the same sense in which any particular being is there, even an incorporeal being. Being is not there even in the same sense, for instance, as an angel is there.

Here is what I would say about Being. Being is the Beyond-Description in which we all participate and which is there in a sense far beyond that in which any particular being is there. And I'm going to go out on a limb here - basing this on what humans consider their highest aspirations and making the assumption that our highest aspirations over the ages tell us something about the nature of Reality - and say that Being is somehow the source of compassion, beauty, joy - all that gives our lives the deepest fulfillment.

But what is Being? We don't know.

Here are three consequences of seeing God as Being.

• God is beyond our capacity to contain, describe, and define: I have spoken about this above.
• None of us is "right" about God and none of us is "wrong": Different ways of envisioning God can be right. Mythos holds that deeper truth underlies apparent paradox. Buddhism, Christianity, Druidry, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Voodoo, Wicca, and all other faith traditions hold truth about Being. The Pagan religions have much to teach us about integration of truth. As far as I know, Pagans have never tried to set themselves up as holding THE truth and have never tried to "make wrong" or destroy other religions. Instead, Pagans have taken it for granted that other peoples would envision God, or Being, in other ways - ways that might add to their own understanding.
• God is experienced in the practice of compassion and in ritual: Holding correct beliefs about God is not important and not even considered possible. Since Being cannot be contained, described, or defined, it is not possible to determine correct beliefs anyway. What is important, first, is correct practice - what we think, say, and do. Correct practice is rooted in compassion. Throughout the ages, people have recognized that the practice of compassion draws us into the Heart of Being. What is important, second, is the enactment of deep truth about Being in artistic expression - through myth, story, poetry, music, song, dance, drama, mime, visual art - and through ritual, which has been described as poetry in act. All of this allows the soul to experience Being at a level beyond the reach of logical language.

My next post will consider more of what it means to envision God as Being Itself.

Driving the Ring Road in Iceland - Should I Go For This Moon?

In a recent post, I listed as a possible Moon to drive the Ring Road in Iceland. By Moon, I mean something that I deeply desire to bring into my life. In recent posts, I have also written of fears that keep me from driving the Iceland Ring Road, and I have stated that, in light of the current economic crisis, I plan to focus on Moons that do not involve a large expense, as a trip to Iceland would.

Quite recently, however, driving the Ring Road in Iceland has suddenly become much more accessible because a friend has come forward who would like to do this with me. Driving the Ring Road alone is too daunting for me, but driving it with a friend is much more doable. In fact, upon hearing that a friend would like to do this with me, I immediately became excited about the Ring Road and opened myself to the possibility of actually doing it.

Which tells me that my statement about avoiding large Moon expenses in light of the current economic crisis is simply a way for me to avoid facing my fears. I guess it sounds better to say, "I won't spend money on a trip to Iceland in light of the current economic crisis," than to say, "I won't spend money on a trip to Iceland because such a trip brings up some deep-seated fears and I don't want to face them." As soon as my friend indicated a desire to share the Ring Road trip with me, I was more than willing to let go of any hesitations based on the economic crisis, since having a companion would mitigate many of my fears - and it's really the fears that are stopping me.

These fears are present, even when I think of driving the Iceland Ring Road with a good friend. I'll list these fears again, along with precisely how they are activated by the thought of driving the Iceland Ring Road. The complete Moon actually involves driving the Iceland Ring Road, writing about it, and publishing that writing in some way.

• Fear of being exposed as shamefully incompetent. What if, at the last minute, I completely panic and simply cannot get on the plane? What if I write about the Iceland Ring Road adventure and my writing is shamefully incompetent?

• Fear of others' disapproval for promoting myself and showing off. What if I write about the Iceland Ring Road adventure and others scorn my writing as immature and show-offish?

• Fear of being selfish. How can I travel to Iceland when so many people are in financial need? If I have the money to spend on such a trip, why don't I donate the money to those in need?

• Fear of the anxiety and discomfort of change. How will I ever handle the anxiety I know I'll feel as the trip approaches? How will I ever handle my anxiety on the airplane? How will I enjoy being in Iceland when I know that I have to face the airplane again to get home? What if we have car trouble in Iceland? What if health concerns arise? How will I manage my C-PAP machine for sleep apnea? Will I still need to be taking my blood pressure medications? What if I have one of those rashes that bother me sometimes? Will I be able to eat enough fresh fruits and vegetables?

• Fear of being injured, especially in a painful or incapacitating way. What if the plane crashes and I survive with horrible injuries, such as complete paralysis or severe burns over large areas of the body? What about the horrid terror I would surely feel if the plane seemed about to crash?

• Fear of losing all my money. What if I spend the money on this trip and then lose my job or have a large financial need?

• Fear of losing my solitude, whereby - as an introvert - I replenish my energy. The Iceland trip does not activate this fear.

• Fear of losing control of my free time and plans by being called upon unexpectedly. The Iceland trip does not activate this fear. However, there is at least one area of service that I feel I should enter into and that could potentially interfere with the Iceland trip because this area of service could involve being called upon unexpectedly, for example, just when I had planned to go to Iceland. This is a conflict for me: to do this service that I feel I should do and risk being called upon when I have travel plans, or not to do this service and know that I am shirking an important responsibility for which others will be carrying the load.

Besides fears, I have also listed characteristics of the kind of Moon I can embrace. Here are these characteristics again, along with the ways the Iceland Ring Road would fit them.

• The Moon fills me with joy. When I think about driving the Iceland Ring Road with a friend, I feel my heart leap with joy. It's exciting! I feel a quickening of my energy. I feel motivated to read about Iceland - indeed, I've already started doing this. I've begun re-reading the 2008 Insight Guide to Iceland to familiarize myself with the different areas of Iceland and to consider what there is to see and do. I feel excited about being in a country with the extreme geographical position of proximity to the Arctic Circle and the resulting extreme of constant daylight in late spring and summer. The extreme of midnight sunlight attracts me.

• The Moon promotes health and healing for my soul.
  

1. Physical health. I feel motivated to get into excellent physical health and fitness for this adventure.
2. Creativity. I feel motivated to write about this adventure and possibly to draw about it. I would love to create a small book about this adventure. This creative project energizes me.
3. Balance. Having this adventure to anticipate helps to put the rest of my life into perspective. My life somehow seems lighter. Specifically, my teaching, which can at times seem heavy to me, feels lighter and more enjoyable simply by bringing this adventure into my life.
4. Openness. I can feel a tendency within myself to narrow my life as I grow older. To give up the effort of traveling. To give up the effort of going out at night. To take on fewer challenges. To shut down. To let my world become smaller. The Iceland adventure counters that. It opens up my world. It opens me to life. It makes my life more expansive, grander.
5. Self-acceptance. The Iceland adventure is a way of accepting myself at a deeper level. Of acknowledging and working through fears. Of loving myself enough to put myself into a challenging situation while being gentle with myself. Of loving myself enough to push myself in the direction of joy. Of loving myself enough to see that I do not narrow my world but that I expand it.
6. Family soul healing. My mother allowed fear to narrow her world and her life. She allowed my father to dampen her joy. She let him limit her creative potential. And yet she taught nursery school creatively, used sign language as well as spoken English with the children, obtained a masters degree in early childhood education in her sixties, conducted and published research, wrote publishable children's stories, designed and taught a land and water exercise program, began a book of exercises, sewed and crocheted and knitted. She engaged in creative projects and yet limited herself because of fear. To travel to Iceland with a friend, to drive the Ring Road, to write about the adventure, to publish my writing in some way - this would be to carry my mother's soul work further.
7. Friendship. To drive the Iceland Ring Road with my friend would be an enjoyable way to strengthen our friendship.

• The Moon connects me with God.

1. Earlier in my life, I would have said no, the Iceland adventure would not connect me with God. I imagined a judgmental God, a disapproving all-powerful and all-knowing Person, who would never approve of spending so much money to enjoy myself in a world where people cannot afford food and shelter.
2. Actually, this is still somewhat of a conflict for me. I don't really know where the balance is here. I do not think that it is right to skip blithely through life pleasing myself with costly adventures with no regard for the very real suffering of the world's poor. How do I live responsibly in a world where I have and where so many others have not, and also treat myself to an occasional adventure that does cost considerable money? In any case, if I see God as Being itself, rather than as a supreme being, then I can ask myself how I want to participate in Being, for the power and potential of Being is available to me.
3. This gives me a new idea. I've been seeing the question as either/or: Do I use all the power and potential of Being to address my niche of the world's needs, or do I use all the power and potential of Being to expand my world with joyful adventures and resultant creative projects? Well, how about this: How might I use all the power and potential of Being to expand my world with joyful adventures and resultant creative projects while also acting as a responsible citizen of a needy world?
4. I feel a rightness about this question. The either/or question pulls me apart, discourages me, closes me up, gives me a shackled feeling. The both/and question expands me, energizes me, feels freeing, fills me with joy. God is a God of joy, beauty, and creativity, and God is a God of compassion and justice. Joy/beauty/creativity is not incompatible with compassion/justice. In fact, either one without the other is unbalanced! Pursuit of joy, beauty, and creativity with no regard for the world's needs is out of balance. But so is pursuit of compassion and justice with no regard for joy, beauty, and creativity - this wears people out.
5. How might I bring the full power and potential of Being into shaping a life of joy, beauty, creativity, compassion, and justice? In dealing directly with this question, the Iceland adventure most certainly connects me with God.

• The Moon in some way encourages others. This is an adventure that involves moving toward joy, managing deep-seated fear, working through large questions about how to encompass both responsibility and freedom, shaping a creative project with life material, using writing to understand myself and thereby to grow. Sharing this adventure through honest conversation and honest writing encourages others in all those areas.
  

AND YET. When I think about not doing the Iceland adventure, I feel relieved - deeply relieved. I feel a different kind of gladness, a gladness that says, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't have to do this. I needn't be bothered with this challenge and all the effort it entails. I can relax and do other things that are less challenging. Remaining nearer the status quo is so much more restful."

And it's important to remember this truth: It's okay not to go to Iceland. It's fine to decide that the Iceland adventure is too challenging and to turn my attention to other things that are also worthwhile.

It's interesting to note, though, the joy and excitement and leap of the heart I feel at the thought of driving the Iceland Ring Road with my friend as well as the deep sense of relief I feel at the thought of not doing it. I believe that this is related to my previous post, titled "To Avoid Pain or To Embrace Joy," where I describe how I've lived much of my life utterly focused on avoiding pain. Fear is painful and I'm afraid of flying, so I'll avoid airplanes for the rest of my life. Fear is painful and I'm afraid of elevators, so I'll avoid elevators for the rest of my life. Performance anxiety is painful and I feel performance anxiety when I play the organ in church, so I'll avoid playing the organ in church for the rest of my life. Having a family can entail considerable pain, so I'll remain single and childless for the rest of my life.

These decisions will not bring me joy, but at least they will eliminate a good deal of pain. I can relax and be pain-free, even though joyless. The trouble is, I can't really relax because one is never assured of being pain-free. I can manage to avoid airplanes and elevators and performance situations and family responsibilities, but since my eyes focus on potential pain - my car goes where my eyes go. My life becomes an anxious effort to spot potential pain and avoid it. If I were to focus my eyes on joy - my car would go where my eyes go. My life would embrace joy, and I would manage to handle whatever pain should arise. If I focus on avoiding pain, I will see my life as pain-filled. If I focus on embracing joy, I will see my life as joy-filled.

I remind myself that these two things are true: (1) I absolutely do not have to go to Iceland, for I can live a joy-embracing life whether or not I go to Iceland. The question is not whether or not to go to Iceland but whether to live a pain-avoiding life or a joy-embracing life. (2) In deciding whether or not to go to Iceland, I would do well to consider how much my decision is motivated by avoiding pain and how much by embracing joy, for the way one makes any particular decision is the way one makes all one's decisions.

And something I notice about the way I made my decisions to avoid airplanes, elevators, performance situations, and family responsibilities is that I made those decisions strictly on my own. I did not discuss those decisions with helpful others. I might do well to enlist the help of others - others who listen deeply and hear me into speech. (Hearing someone into speech is a concept that Nelle Morton discusses in The Journey Is Home. It is a way of deep and silent listening that allows the listened-to person the space and time - the container, as it were - into which to speak her deepest thoughts and feelings, and thus to hear herself.) I am blessed with friends who can do this.

It may be worth noting, too, that I tend to feel the joy of the Iceland adventure in the morning, when I am rested, when I am relaxed, when I am feeling generally good. I tend to feel the relief of the idea of forgoing the Iceland adventure in the evening, when I am tired, when I am anxious about something, when I am feeling generally less than good.

Another thing I notice - and want to avoid - is the tendency to do the Iceland adventure with the attitude of getting it out of the way just to prove once that I can do it. I would then think, Thank goodness I've finished the Iceland adventure. I've shown that I can fly, and now I don't need to fly ever again. But, oh dear, what if people expect me to be able to fly from now on, since they've seen I can do it.

Finally, I need to keep the Iceland Moon doable and enjoyable, not overwhelming. I have a tendency to add so much to a Moon that it becomes tedious rather than joyful. Then, I start to feel that I am on a treadmill, but that I have to keep going and complete the Moon. In East Toward Dawn: A Woman's Solo Journey Around the World, Nan Watkins, who traveled around the world to celebrate her sixtieth birthday, describes meeting two young men who were making a similar journey around the world but who seemed far less excited about it than she was. Nan noticed that these young men were going through the experiences of their travels as they might go through a to-do list, checking off each sight seen, relieved by what was already accomplished, but overwhelmed by all that still lay ahead to see and do. They were approaching their journey around the world as they would a chore. This is what I want to avoid!

Why Would We See the World as Hostile, Indifferent, or Gracious?

Before I write about my Moons having to do with others or with self, I realize that I want to do several more posts on topics related to my Moons having to do with God. This is the first of these.

In my previous post, I looked at how I grew up with a view of the world as a hostile place and how I believe that a healthy soul views the world as a gracious place. According to Marcus Borg in The Heart of Christianity: Rediscovering a Life of Faith, one may have any of three worldviews:

• Hostile: One may see the universe as hostile to us. We can expect bad things to happen, and we must be constantly on the defensive.
• Indifferent: One may see the universe as indifferent to us. We still need to be on our guard because things happen without regard to their effect on us, for good or for ill.
• Gracious: One may see the universe as gracious to us. We can relax. At the heart of the universe is goodness, compassion, beauty, joy. This view needs to recognize areas of hostility (criminals do exist) and areas of indifference (hurricanes have no regard for humans), but the overall bent of the universe is gracious.

In this post, I will look at why we might see the universe as hostile or indifferent and why we might see the universe as gracious.

A HOSTILE OR INDIFFERENT WORLDVIEW

It is easy to see the universe, or at least our world, as hostile or indifferent. We see hostile forces: murder, stealing, rape, sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, slavery, grinding poverty, exploitation of workers by employers, pollution. We see indifferent forces: illness, serious accidents, losses that come with aging, natural disasters, adverse economic trends. It is easy to conclude that the universe is essentially hostile or indifferent.

I can see three elements in the formation of a hostile or indifferent worldview.

1. Our assumptions about reality shape our society.
2. God empowers us to shape our society as we will.
3. The shape of our society reinforces our assumptions about realtiy.

1. Our assumptions about reality shape our society.

Our society makes these assumptions:

• Competition creates a healthy economy.
• Nature is based on survival of the fittest.
• Society functions best when each person acts in his or her own self-interest.
• Individual freedom is sacred.
• The economy is an impersonal force.

We believe that these assumptions constitute ultimate reality, so we have created a society where our reality is, indeed, competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and impersonal economic forces. People act for their own benefit without regard for the effect on others. Those others are expected to take care of themselves. We have people who feel free to steal, whether through a crude armed robbery or a sophisticated money-laundering scheme. We have people who feel free to enrich themselves at the expense of others, as we saw in the Enron scandal and the more recent mortgage failures. We have people who feel free to hurt others to get what they want. If others get hurt, it is their own fault - they should be watching out for themselves. We speak of the economy doing this and the economy doing that, as though the economy is an indifferent force that operates on its own, whereas actual people are doing the things that the economy is said to do.

As stated in The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein - "Your car goes where your eyes go" (page 82). If your car starts to spin out of control on the race track and your eyes go to the wall, you can expect to crash right into that wall. But if your car starts to spin out of control and your eyes go to the track, you can expect to regain control of your car and get it back on the track. I believe that we can give this a wider application, individually and collectively. On the individual level, my life goes where my eyes go. On the collective level, our society goes where our eyes go - and our collective eyes go to competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and impersonal economic forces - our deep-seated assumptions about reality. This is, therefore, the kind of society we create.

2. God empowers us to shape our society as we will.

Through reading Karen Armstrong's The Case for God, I have been developing an understanding of God, not as a being but as Being itself. Humans are beings made in the image and likeness of God - which means that God shares Being with us. Being entails tremendous power and potential. And this is key - God does not direct or force us in using that power and potential. We can use that power and potential for good or for ill. What we are capable of is huge - we can literally create heaven or hell right here on Earth.

If we choose to create a society based on competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and economic forces treated as impersonal - we have all the power of Being to do so. God will not interfere. Indeed, this is what we have done, and God has not interfered.

I can see two reasons why God would not interfere. First, God's perspective is eternal. If, right now, an erroneous worldview is in the ascendant, God has eternity for balance to be restored. Second, it may be that restraining the power of Being for ill would also restrain the power of Being for good. When you provide a huge potential for good, the same huge potential exists in the other direction. It may not be possible to limit potential in one direction only. Any limiting is likely to limit the whole. This is why a person with a tremendous capacity to feel joy also has a tremendous capacity to feel pain. If you diminish the capacity to feel pain, you diminish the capacity to feel. If you limit the power and potential to create ill, you limit the power and potential to create.

3. The shape of our society reinforces our assumptions about reality.

So we shape our society according to our assumptions about reality, and the tremendous power and potential of Being given us by God allows us to do so. Once we have a society shaped by our assumptions, the very shape of our society then reinforces those very assumptions. We look at our world, and what do we see? Competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, impersonal economic forces - we see all these things run amok. We are born, we grow and compete for limited resources, the fittest get the biggest slice of the pie (or even the whole pie), each person acts in his or her own self-interest without regard for the effect on others, and we learn to ride the waves of impersonal economic forces or we are crushed by them. Life is a fight for survival and dominance in a hostile or indifferent world. Our assumptions about reality have created this reality, and now this self-created reality reinforces our assumptions.

Where is the meaning in this? There are those who observe this self-created reality and conclude that life has no meaning. Spending all one's energy to get ahead or even just to hold one's own does not constitute a meaningful life.

A GRACIOUS WORLDVIEW

Although I grew up with a hostile worldview and although a gracious worldview is sometimes difficult for me to sustain, I do believe that the world is gracious. I also believe that we need to recognize areas of hostility and of indifference. Some people, for instance, do intend to harm us, and natural phenomena, such as weather patterns, are indifferent to us - so we need to act wisely and take precautions. But at the heart of the universe is goodness, compassion, beauty, and joy.

The evidence for this is not conclusive, but neither is the evidence for a hostile or indifferent universe. And if our car goes where our eyes go, I would much rather have my car go into graciousness than into hostility or indifference. I also believe that there is evidence of a gracious universe. As I see it, this evidence lies in these areas.

1. Graciousness is abundantly present in our world.
2. People create gracious societies.
3. We crave meaning and goodness.
4. Joy is a sign of truth.

1. Graciousness is abundantly present in our world.

Our world is beautiful. Animals, plants, forests, deserts, rivers, oceans, mountains, sunrises, sunsets, the night sky - we live in a beautiful world. Nature is beautiful in its wild state, and humans can shape it and enhance its beauty. A profusion of wildflowers on a hillside is lovely, as is a garden artistically arranged with flowers, a statue, and a fountain.

Our five senses give us enormous pleasure. We can delight in color, shape, and design. A rainbow in the sky lifts our spirits, as do the rainbow colors reflected on a wall through a prism hanging in a window. We can admire pictures in the clouds, as well as paintings and sculptures by the masters. We can enjoy the cricket song in the evening, as well as a powerful chorus performing Handel's Messiah. We can bask in the massage of a gentle breeze or of a skilled masseur or masseuse. We can savor wild strawberries or blueberries, as well as the culinary masterpieces of a great chef. We can enjoy the aroma of a full-blown rose or of brewing coffee.

We can imagine and create. We can explore the world of fiction, poetry, film, theater, painting, sculpture, architecture, needlecraft, song, instrumental music, gymnastics, athletics, mathematics, biology, chemistry, physics. theology, philosophy, dreams, psychology.

Our world is full to overflowing with things to enjoy.

2. People create gracious societies.

While an over-emphasis on competition, survival of the fittest, self-interest, individual freedom, and economic forces seen as impersonal has been in the ascendant for some time - it is also true that people create gracious societies. There are people who consciously turn their attention away from those things that point to hostility or indifference and who turn their attention instead toward graciousness. They create gracious societies based on cooperation, compassion, and inter-dependence.

Many indigenous societies, intentional communities, and loving families are of this type. I think of the Goddess-worshipping cultures of Europe, the Native American nations encountered by the first Europeans coming to the Americas, the religious communities founded by Saint Francis of Assisi and by Saint Claire, churches whose members have a deep commitment to each other and to their neighbors, and families I have known where love and social consciousness prevail.

Are these societies, communities, and families perfectly gracious? No. But then, neither is the wider society, or even corporate America, perfectly hostile or indifferent.

3. We crave meaning and goodness.

For me, the fact that we so crave meaning, that we so crave goodness, points to meaning itself and goodness itself at the heart of the universe.

We deeply want our lives to have meaning. All of art, for instance, is a search for or an expression of meaning - through story, poetry, painting, sculpture, music. Even when an artist believes that life is meaningless, he or she feels drawn to express this - in literature of the absurd, in convoluted visual art, in cacophonous music. The artist feels compelled to show what life means, even if it means nothing. If life truly means nothing, from whence comes this urge to dig for a meaning and to express it?

We also feel an urge to understand our world factually. People devote their lives to the study of biology, chemistry, physics, mathematics, history, philosophy, theology - and so much more. We feel compelled to learn about our world, to study it, to understand it, to organize our knowledge. We deeply desire meaning, and this desire points to an actual meaning which is the object of this desire.

This desire for meaning is so universal - across cultures, across times, across disciplines - that I believe it is evidence that an ultimate meaning exists. A desire so ingrained in human nature must be there for a reason - it must have an object - life must have meaning.

And the meaning of life must be good. I believe this because we deeply desire goodness. We see the harm in our world, and even though we don't seem able to correct it, we do deplore it. Our hearts are warmed by stories of goodness and kindness, and repelled by stories of harm and hate. I believe that our attraction for the good - the compassionate, the beautiful, the joyful - is the truth of the universe asserting itself in our very nature.

4. Joy is a sign of truth.

I simply believe that what promotes our soul health must be true. Why are our souls made so that the good, the beautiful, and the compassionate give us deep joy? I would say that this is because the good, the beautiful, and the compassionate are the truth at the heart of the universe.

When goodness, beauty, and compassion prevail, we are deeply satisfied, we feel at peace. When harm, ugliness, and hatred prevail, we feel dissatisfied, unfinished, out of balance. We feel that the story isn't over. We must continue until wrong is righted, until the good prevails. Only then can we rest. Only then do we feel complete.

We have a sense of temporariness around hostility and indifference and a sense of permanence around graciousness. Why? Because this is the truth of the universe asserting itself within our nature. Our nature will not let us rest until we are aligned with truth. The truth is not hostility or indifference, but graciousness. When things are hostile or indifferent, we feel out of balance and incomplete. When things are gracious, we feel a sense of equilibrium and completion.

Soul Work - Deeper Moons Focused on God

My previous post identified deeper Moons focused on God, others, and self. By Moons, I mean things that I deeply want to bring into my life and live into. This post will explore deeper Moons - Moons that involve important soul work - focused on God. The categories God, others, and self are arbitrary and certainly overlap. Some of what I say in this post will seem very much focused on self as well as on God.

The Moons focusing on God are ENJOY and THANK. Each involves a deeply ingrained attitude toward life, an attitude that I imbibed in the family where I grew up, along with needed family soul healing. Here they are:

• ENJOY: Heal the goal of getting from here to the grave as safely and painlessly as possible by living life fully and joyfully.
• THANK: Heal the hostile worldview by seeing the world as gracious and by expressing thanks.

ENJOY

In the family where I grew up, I was afraid much of the time - afraid of my father and afraid of God. My father was terrifying in his unpredictable rages, and I envisioned God as a much huger, more powerful, and far more terrifying version of my father. Life with my father and with the God I created in my father's image was intensely painful. With my father, I learned to suspend my soul, go numb, and wait for his rage to pass. My goal in life came to be staying safe and avoiding pain. I did not care about joy - if I could just be safe and pain-free, that was all I wanted.

I see now that having as one's life goal to get from here to the grave as safely and painlessly as possible represents a huge soul wound. The healthy soul embraces life and lives as fully and joyfully as possible. I do this by knowing and doing what gives me joy. In light of needs I see in my world, I want to embrace Moons of this type that do not involve large expense, that truly enrich me, that promote personal and planetary health, that in some way encourage others. Here are some possible such Moons:

• Savor the simple pleasures of life: a beautiful flower, the evening cricket song, a gentle breeze, the texture of the prayer shawl I'm knitting and the comforting repetitive hand movements, a bike ride on the Mississippi River levee bike trail, a piece of dark chocolate, a cup of warm tea, a ripe peach, the scent of sweet olive.
• Blog frequently.
• Publish small books based on my writing.
• Draw regularly and post drawings on my blog.
• Exhibit a series of my artwork with other amateur artists.
• Organize a reader's theater.
• Attend plays, concerts, operas, movies.
• Give theme parties.
• Study the Bardic lessons of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, and use it as material for writing and drawing.
• Look for opportunities to encourage others to engage in writing, visual art, and music - Live the concept that everyone is an artist.
• Form a piano quartet or duo.

The above Moons do not involve large expense, do truly enrich me, do promote personal and planetary health (usually in the sense of lifting my spirits and bringing beauty and joy into the world), and do in some way encourage others.

The encouraging of others is something I want to be sure to incorporate. Some of the above Moons clearly involve others, such as giving theme parties and organizing a reader's theater. Some make my work available to others by publishing it on my blog, thus making my insights available for others to interact with and perhaps encouraging others in their own writing and artistic endeavors. Some, such as savoring simple pleasures, make me a more pleasant person to be around.

THANK

My father espoused a view in which the world is a hostile place. Survival of the fittest is the rule, it's a dog-eat-dog world, people are out for themselves. What puzzles me is why on earth my father would want to bring children into such a world. If the world is such a hostile place, why would one subject others to it? In any case, I grew up in a home where I learned that the world is hostile, that I must constantly be on the defensive and not trust anyone, and that I can expect terrible things to happen.

I believe that the healthy soul sees the world as a gracious place. Yes, there are pockets of hostility and of indifference. There are people with harmful intent; therefore, it is well to avoid certain neighborhoods and to keep one's doors locked. Nature is indifferent; therefore, it is well to recognize and shun poison ivy, to avoid stirring up a nest of hornets, and to evacuate when in the path of a hurricane. Yet, overall, at rock bottom, life is gracious.

I admit that this can be extremely hard to see when one is imprisoned in a concentration camp, or when one is born or captured into slavery, or when one has been raped, or when one has just suffered an injury that leaves one completely paralyzed. I have no idea how I would respond if faced with any such situation - and I don't wish to find out. It is worth noting, though, that there have been people in each of these situations who have come through with their faith in God and in life as gracious intact. People have forgiven those who have imprisoned, tortured, enslaved, and raped them. People have become authors, artists, musicians, public speakers, and community organizers while severely disabled.

For me, the key is to change the direction in which I focus my attention. In The Art of Racing in the Rain, we learn this lesson:

Your car goes where your eyes go. (Page 82)

Enzo, in The Art of Racing in the Rain, puts it like this: "In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle" (page 83).

It is easy for me to focus on the pain and the injustice of life. The healthy soul, however, recognizes the pain and the injustice but focuses on the graciousness - the love, the beauty, the compassion, the joy.

Where do my eyes go? When faced with flying in an airplane, my eyes go to a possible plane crash and an unbearable injury such as complete paralysis or severe burns over large areas of the body. When faced with a hospital procedure, my eyes go to all the many things that can possibly go wrong in a hospital, such as surgical implements being left inside the body and full anaesthesia awareness and brain injury. When faced with a class to teach, my eyes go to dissatisfied students and poor teaching evaluations. When faced with a social event, my eyes go to others finding me unattractive and uninteresting.

Where might my eyes go instead? To the excitement of flying, traveling, and exploring another place. To a smooth medical procedure and recovery and to the health benefits to be gained from the procedure. To an exciting class, an engaging subject, and engaged students. To interesting and enjoyable personal interactions at a social event.

Sometimes it is necessary to recognize that we live in a time when a mistaken worldview is in the ascendant, filling the world with pain and injustice temporarily. In The Case for God, Karen Armstrong describes how Socrates did this, even when faced with a death sentence: "He could have escaped and was probably expected to do so. But even though the sentence was unjust, he preferred to obey the laws of his beloved Athens to the end: he would die a witness (martys) to the untruth currently in the ascendant" (page 58).

Socrates knew that a mistaken worldview was "currently in the ascendant" (page 58). Even though this mistaken worldview affected Socrates severely, Socrates knew that this worldview was a temporary, not a permanent, condition.

This is so important to viewing life as gracious. It is so tempting to see the current time as all there is. The current time is not all there is. We can look at the time-line of human presence on earth - tens of thousands of years at the very least, and possibly hundreds of thousands of years. We can look at the time-line of the universe - billions or trillions of years. We can look at the time-line of God - eternity.

I would say that a time of pain, violence, and injustice has been in the ascendant for the last several thousand years. During this time, we have seen the enthronement of a patriarchal system, the dominance/subordination model for social interactions, the use of violence and war to establish dominance, the concept of human property and slavery, the reliance on power over, the exaltation of competition. This leads to an attitude where one does whatever will enrich oneself - no matter the consequences for other people, for future generations, for other living creatures, for our Earth. Others are expected to watch out for themselves. If others get hurt, it's their own fault. We see this today in the current financial crisis, the Enron scandal, the mismanagement of mortgages, BP's disregard for safety precautions, the abuse of animals in research, the inhumane mass-production methods at chicken and hog farms, the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, the pollution of the Earth for industrial growth. People are saying, "I will do whatever benefits me. Let others take care of themselves."

This attitude is in the ascendant, and it has severe effects. It is easy for our eyes to go to the hostile and the indifferent. But I believe this is not the truth of life - it is a temporary aberration, even though the aberration may last throughout my life-time and beyond. It is not all there is. It is not even all there is right now. It is important to turn our eyes to the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful. There is hostility and indifference in our world - we do need to recognize this. But our eyes can focus on the graciousness of life. This is what I need to do to help heal a deep wound in my family soul.

How shall I do this? By thanking. By noticing the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful - and by expressing thanks - to God and to people.

MY GOD MOONS

Let me end by listing my God Moons in summary form.

• Savor the simple pleasures of life.
• Do art - Practice, Publish, Encourage.
• Thank God and people for the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the joyful.

More Thoughts on Manic-Depressive Illness

My last post, written after reading Kay Redfield Jamison's An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Madness and Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, ended with three questions:

• How can I conceive of a God who would design our brains to be capable of the horrifying pain of an unraveling mind as happens in severe mental illness?
• What does God expect of a person with severe mental illness?
• What does God expect of the spouse and family of a person with severe mental illness?

Another way of asking the first question is to ask how severe mental illness fits with a view of the world as gracious, as opposed to hostile or indifferent. As I think about this, I realize that Kay Jamison herself provides an answer. She says that, as excruciatingly painful as psychosis and depression can be, this is out-weighed, for her, by the joy she has experienced in life. Kay actually values her mania, at least in its milder manifestations, and she sees her depression as the price she has to pay for the mania.

When Kay first experienced symptoms of manic-depressive illness in her teens, the mania was not extreme. It allowed her to think fast, to feel euphoric, and to be exceptionally productive and creative. In subsequent years, the mania become more extreme, but Kay remembers even some of her psychotic visions with joy. Here is what Kay says on pages 90-91 of An Unquiet Mind:

People go mad in idiosyncratic ways. Perhaps it was not surprising that, as a meteorologist's daughter, I found myself, in that glorious illusion of high summer days, gliding, flying, now and again lurching through cloud banks and ethers, past stars, and across fields of ice crystals. Even now, I can see in my mind's rather peculiar eye an extraordinary shattering and shifting of light; inconstant but ravishing colors laid out across miles of circling rings; and the almost imperceptible, somehow surprisingly pallid, moons of this Catherine wheel of a planet. I remember singing "Fly me to the Moons" as I swept past those of Saturn, and thinking myself terribly funny. I saw and experienced that which had been only dreams, or fitful fragments of aspiration.

Was it real? Well, of course not, not in any meaningful sense of the word "real." But did it stay with me? Absolutely. Long after my psychosis cleared, and the medications took hold, it became part of what one remembers forever, surrounded by an almost Proustian melancholy. Long since that extended voyage of my mind and soul, Saturn and its icy rings took on an elegiac beauty, and I don't see Saturn's image now without feeling an acute sadness at its being so far away from me, so unobtainable in so many ways. The intensity, glory, and absolute assuredness of my mind's flight made it very difficult for me to believe, once I was better, that the illness was one I should willingly give up.

When Kay first began to take lithium to control her psychosis and stabilize her moods, she was appalled at the flatness of her emotional life. She now takes a lesser dose of lithium that controls the extreme fluctuations in mood but does allow for some mood amplification followed by some mood dampening, in other words, slight mania and slight depression. The dampening is worth it to Kay because of the benefits from the amplification. Apparently, you can't have the amplification without the following dampening--you get the full cycle or none.

So, back to God. Here are some things I notice.

• ABUNDANCE. God deals in abundance--there is an abundance of beauty and variety in minerals, plants, and animals. Within that abundance, there are things that I as an individual may not like--poison ivy, mosquitoes, manic-depressive illness. These are, nonetheless, part of the abundant whole.
• EXTREMES. God deals in wide ranges with vast extremes--from sub-atomic particles to super-nova, from the monotone gray of an overcast sky to a flaming sunset, from the silent rabbit to the roaring lion. Manic-depressive illness is an extreme of human experience.
• NATURAL PROCESSES. God deals with natural processes that unfold dispassionately. The universe does not reconfigure itself to avoid harming a person in the path of an avalanche, a tornado, or an out-of-control automobile. Manic-depressive illness is part of the gene pool and manifests itself in individuals with those genes.

It may be that, if God had to edit out everything that humans find unpleasant or harmful on the physical plane, the world would not be as beautiful, stunning, and fascinating.

It also strikes me that God's intentions are not necessarily our intentions. I, for example, consider a good life to be a life of financial security, physical comfort, and mental interest. God, I expect, considers a good life to be one of compassion and character growth.

I probably don't need to concern myself with the question about what God expects of a person with manic-depressive illness because I am not that person.

As for the spouse and family of a person with manic-depressive illness, it strikes me that our U.S. American society is at the far extreme of individualism, expecting individuals to manage their own problems and expecting families to manage their family members on their own. But, just as it takes a whole village to raise a child, it probably takes a whole village to contain a person with manic-depressive illness. Instead of making this the responsibility of an overwhelmed spouse or family, if this were considered the responsibility of the whole community, then the weight would be far less, and compassionate and workable solutions would far more likely emerge.

Thoughts & Questions about Manic-Depressive Illness

I have recently read two books by Kay Redfield Jamison: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness and Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Kay is a Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. She also has manic-depressive illness, which she is able to control by taking lithium.

Kay describes what it is like for someone with severe mental illness to watch their mind unravel. It is absolutely horrifying to be trapped inside an unraveling mind. One cannot control one's thoughts, which race so fast that nothing makes sense. One sees and hears things that aren't there, often very frightening things. One watches the distress on the faces of one's family and friends, who simply cannot comprehend one's behavior. One behaves in ways that cause one intense shame.

One often ends the pain by committing suicide.

Some of the things Kay describes, particularly concerning mania, seem incredible to me. Someone in the early stages of mania feels on top of the world. She feels invulnerable. She is full of over-the-top energy, putting her on a high. In this state, things make sense that would never make sense in a normal mood. A person in mania will often dress provocatively, initiate unwise sexual encounters, and spend thousands of dollars on unneeded merchandise. When the mania ends and a normal mood returns, this person is faced with the shame of what she has done and with the bills she has accumulated for appalling purchases that made perfect sense in the manic state but which now make no sense at all.

If the illness is not treated, it escalates. The mania becomes so intense that the person cannot stay still, cannot sleep, and cannot control her cascading thoughts. The person may become paranoid and even violent.

Eventually depression follows the mania with its all-encompassing heavy blackness that sucks all joy from life. Life becomes unbearable, and suicide is often the result. The pain of an unraveling mind and the inability to do anything to stop it is excruciating.

Yes, there are now treatments for manic-depressive illness, but for centuries there were no treatments, and even today, not everyone responds to the treatments. For some people, the current treatments don't work.

Descriptions of losing one's mind--as happens in manic-depressive illness, in depression, in schizophrenia, and in Alzheimer's disease--are truly horrifying. For me, this raises an important question: How does God fit into this? How can I conceive of a God who would design a brain capable of such horrible suffering?

I can at least begin to understand other types of physical suffering that keep the mind intact. People are able to endure these, sometimes with great grace and courage. I can also begin to understand suffering inflicted by humans. Again, people do endure this, sometimes with remarkable love and forgiveness. But how does one endure an illness that causes one's very mind to unravel. Without a functioning mind, with what does one do the enduring?

So it's hard for me to envision a way of seeing God that includes severe mental illness. It makes me wonder why on earth God couldn't design a brain incapable of such unraveling.

And what does God expect of someone with severe manic-depressive illness? It's clear that a person in mania often violates normal standards of morality in the areas of sex, finances, and kindness to others.

And what does God expect of the spouse of someone with manic-depressive illness? I don't see how it's possible to live with a manic-depressive spouse who has sex with others, runs up impossible bills, and is violently paranoid. Manic-depressive illness is devastating to the spouse, family, and friends of the person with the illness. A good friend of my mother's had a daughter with severe mental illness who simply refused to take medication to control her illness and absolutely drove her family nuts with her uncontrollably wild behavior. She also had a number of unwise pregnancies and brought babies into the world with no means of providing for them. Yes, I understand that a person with manic-depressive illness is truly ill, but what is the person's family supposed to do with a person who causes utter havoc in the lives of everyone around her? Is the family supposed to just exist in utter havoc? What does God expect of the spouse and the family in this situation?

So these are my questions:

• How can I conceive of a God who would design our brains to be capable of the horrifying pain of an unraveling mind as happens in severe mental illness?
• What does God expect of a person with severe mental illness?
• What does God expect of the spouse and family of a person with severe mental illness?